With concerns regarding the stability of federal research funding, UVA has decided upon a new cost-saving initiative. The University will, beginning this spring, no longer be maintaining or acknowledging the existence of crosswalks on grounds.
Along with the financial benefits, UVA’s Police Division is optimistic about the safety benefits this change will bring for students and community members.
“We spoke to dozens of staff and students while considering our options,” the Division’s public relations chair, Auta Tunsch, explained, “One commonality we found among all members of the University community is that none of them have any sense of self preservation the moment they step foot on a crosswalk.”
“When I cross the street, I frankly don’t care whether or not I reach the other side alive,” said 3rd year student Cass Laudy, “Actually, sometimes I hope someone will hit me. Sure, give me an excuse to postpone an essay or exam. Maybe a chance to catch up on some sleep, if I’m lucky—even if it’s in a coma.”
Even drivers find issue with the University’s crosswalks.
“Driving on grounds is insane,” commented UVA bus driver Suzie Idel, “I don’t care if I live or die, they [student pedestrians] don’t care if they live or die, honestly it’s a miracle I haven’t steamrolled anyone by now.”
The University hopes that by disestablishing crosswalks, students will have fewer opportunities to recklessly put themselves in harm’s way, mitigating risks for both pedestrians and drivers.
However, some students posed concerns about the upcoming initiative.
“If students already don’t care for their wellbeing, why the hell would removing crosswalks help?” asked 2nd year student Luke Sidd, “Half the time I don’t even use the established crosswalks. I don’t know anyone on grounds who doesn’t jaywalk several times a day. Removing crosswalks will just make it harder to tell where a sleep-deprived, over-caffinated biochem student will decide to stumble into the road.”
In response to student concerns, UVA’s Police Division assured the community that jaywalkers would be strictly disciplined by the University, hopefully removing this problem.
When asked about the Division’s confidence in the policy, Tunsch commented, “Fingers crossed!”
Other students questioned what commuting on grounds would look like without the ability to cross streets.
“I just?” commented 2nd year student Stuart Dent, “What?”
In response to questions about how students should proceed with commuting on grounds without crossing streets, Tunsch offered some helpful advice:
“Driving? I don’t know, I’m not a fucking engineer.”
