Boulder, Colo. (TN) — In a groundbreaking new study, CU Boulder’s Neuroscience Department discovers that no one actually likes networking. It turns out that everyone is just afraid of being poor. It’s a shared psychosis in mass.
“I love meeting new people. It’s nice to just really connect with people, you know?” said Tod Saliman, University President, without looking away from his phone. “Will you excuse me? I need to take this.”
“No, I really like hiking up Bear Peak with a bunch of people,” said CU junior Marcus Lee through gritted teeth in a forced smile. “I think waking up at 5 a.m. to get sweaty before class shows discipline, and really helps build connections.”
The study conducted by CU, used FMRI to scan the brains of people who attended professional gatherings. Campus Mixers, company recruiting events, Sorority mixers, and several other events. The FMRI revealed that for 90% of attendees, they legitimately believe they enjoy it—but the brain scans revealed it to be a rationalization.
CU president Saliman, upon finding out, took a deep breath and exhaled, saying, “Oh, thank God! That’s such a relief. The kids are driving me insane. I’ve been doing this crap for 30 years. Can I get a letter from you, President Saliman? What’s my grade going to be, Professor? Can you put in a good word for me? I get so tired of the angst from these kids. My God. Can I let you in on a secret? Every day at five o’clock, I slip out behind the building to have a cigarette…we’re not even supposed to smoke on campus…I made the freaking rule.”
Lee said, “Really? God, do I hate it. Of course, no one wants to get up at 5 a.m. Who in their right mind wants to hike up a steep cliff for 4 miles first thing in the morning? Are you insane? I only do it because I need connections if I’m going to survive on this rock.”
“It makes sense when you think about it,” said Dr. Steven F. Maier, the head of the neuroscience department. “It turns out that most people have just convinced themselves that they love monetizing their personalities. Actually, only the artists were honest about it.”
The Creative Writing Department was in especially calm spirits. CU Senior Nathaniel Hankins said, “Of course it makes sense. Have you ever even attended one of those writers readings in the library? Everyone in the room knows they’re wearing a mask. Which is comforting in a way, because at least we all know, so it makes it easier. That room is more awkward than the confessional both across the street from the BCPD.”
CU Junior Max Snart, a pottery major said, “Yeah that tracks. That’s the beautiful thing about art. It’s largely about the work, and everyone sort of expects everyone else to just be a little weird.” Snart smiled and continued, “I have a friend who volunteers 13 hours a week at an animal shelter—but she also keeps dead birds and snakes in mason jars in her freezer. The problem with those things is you never really connect with anyone—that’s the tragedy, because people will surprise you if you let them. Be weird, it’s okay, the artists will love you.”
