The beginning of the spring semester means a lot of things to different students. For many, it’s a new opportunity to center themselves and stick to their resolutions. Some dread the return to homework and obligations. One thing that the CU community can agree on is that the start of a new year means the start of flu season.
However, the campus has recently been on high alert after a rise in strange symptoms has started to appear. Sarah Thorogood, a nurse practitioner at Wardenburg, sat down with us to detail how it all started.
“There was one kid named Ryan who came in with a sore throat and a slight fever, and I was ready to diagnose him with a mild cold. Then I looked into his mouth and saw a gray mucus covering his throat, and my blood ran cold.” Ryan had somehow caught diphtheria, a disease not seen in Colorado since 1985, with origins stretching back as far as 5 BCE. Ryan was just the start.
Soon, kids started flooding into Wardenburg: a girl with eye discharge (Trachoma, 2700 BCE), an RA with red rash and fever (Scarlet Fever, 1553), a frat boy with hair loss and sores (Leprosy, 2000 BCE). A notable case was a graduate student with diarrhea and muscle aches, who was found to have a strain of malaria that can be traced back to ancient Egypt (1570 BCE). None of the patients recognized each other.
“It was like a war zone, we couldn’t figure out why these kids were suddenly coming in with diseases that haven’t been seen in Colorado for decades, and specifically the ancient strains. However, we got lucky; the diseases never progressed beyond the treatable first stages.”
Thus began the campus-wide hunt for where, or who, all of these diseases originated from. CUPD began questioning the patients, asking about everything from what they ate recently to what their social life is like. After searching for days and finding no common links, a rookie named Tina Palmero cracked the case.
“I just remember thinking that diseases spread best in close environments, but also through bodily fluids like sweat and spit. Where on campus can we find both of those? The Hill.”
On a hunch, Palmero and a squad car went to the Hill to check if any of the Greek Life had thrown a party recently. After knocking on a few doors and asking around, they were pointed towards Fiji, where a pledge named David Taylor was rinsing out a bathtub in the front lawn.
“For as long as I live, I will never forget that smell. I can’t even compare it to anything I’ve ever come in contact with; it just smelled like regret and pain.” Palermo told us, grimacing. “My eyes immediately started to water halfway down the street. I have no idea how that kid was able to stand that close to rinse out the tub.”
From across the street, officers shouted at David to back away from the tub so they could investigate further, and that’s where they found the origin of the mysterious diseases. Fiji had thrown a welcome back to school party, complete with their signature jungle juice. After realizing that no one had a cooler big enough to fit all of the drinks, they decided to just mix them in their bathtub. A bathtub that hadn’t been deep cleaned since it was brought into the house in the 1970s, and likely way before that.
The alcohol mixed with the bacteria created the perfect breeding ground for diseases. The more alcohol that was poured in throughout the night, the more ancient the disease became. Palmero and Thorogood suspect that after the party, students went back to their apartments, and infected their roommates and friends through their sweat, which was pouring off of them profusely as their immune systems desperately tried to release any of the toxins ingested that night.
Fortunately, all students infected are expected to make a full recovery with no lasting health issues. It seems that the obnoxious amounts of alcohol may have worked as an antibacterial against some of these ancient diseases. This doesn’t mean they’re happy, though.
“I can’t believe I was infected by a disease from ancient Egypt because my roommate was dumb enough to consume something from a frat house; college is a scam.” Anna Toledo, who had contracted malaria, remarked.
Curiously enough, Sarah told us that David, the pledge who was cleaning the bathtub, was later diagnosed with rinderpest, a disease that only affects hooved animals, and was formally eradicated in 2011. She shook her head with a laugh, saying, “I don’t even want to know.”
We don’t want to know either.
