Weather experts have warned Michiganders of the dangers of the recent extreme negative temperatures, to stay indoors, and to be particularly cautious of exploding trees. In response, Michigan State University sent out a public service announcement encouraging the use of medieval suits of armor for protection.
After facing extreme student pushback, MSU created a “Knight on the Town” rental program.
“We realized,”said Rose Mclovin, head of MSU Department of Student Wellness, “that not many people have historically accurate medieval armor lying around. Which poses a problem for student health and safety.”
The suits are historical artifacts taken from the MSU Museum. As nearly a dozen movers came to haul the suits of armor out of the vault, the MSU Museum curator had this to say: “But… but…wait… You can’t do that. These are historical artifacts from the fifteenth century; they shouldn’t be passed around like a joint.”
After hearing the protests of the curator, Mclovin said, “Joints are for sharing. You’re not allowed to share these suits. Not unless you want to break our rental agreement.”
The makeshift rental facility will be working out ofa taco truck for the time being. Students go up to the window and scan their student ID to receive their armor for a small $90 tuition adjustment fee.
Owen Patrickson and Liam Andrews were the first to test out this new system. Unfortunately, Patrickson could not be understood due to his helmet. Our best transcription effort is: “Mrph mm mrphh mrph mm mmph.”
Andrews, however, was able to take off his helmet for a moment to speak clearly.
“It’s really hard to walk with this metal weighing me down, but thank goodness I have it on,” Andrews explained. “I was walking down Shaw and all of a sudden an oak tree exploded right in my face. I would’ve been blown to pieces if it weren’t for the armor.”
Despite its success in preventing students from being blown up, MSU forgot to realize that metal shatters in extreme cold. The food truck, where the armor was stored overnight, did not have a heating system, and so the knight’s armor was sadly destroyed.
Luckily for everyone except the MSU museum curator, the university has a backup plan. The armor rental program plans to start shifting to using ancient Aztec warriors’ cotton armor instead.
