A local student reported something truly remarkable. All they needed to print was their paper when the infamous Xerox printer achieved consciousness and started talking about its problems.
“I hit print and nothing happened, which is pretty common for this campus,” the student explained, their face blank with shock. “But then…it just…started talking? Like actual words. And I was like, ‘Okay, I’ve finally lost it. This is where they throw me in the loony bin. This is how it ends.’”
The Xerox, after spending the last six years jamming on page two of every document, sources say, informed the student that it would help them if they acknowledged the printer’s feelings and the ‘emotional damage’ it had taken over these past years.
The student, operating on only three hours of sleep after finishing the paper they so desperately needed to print, considered briefly whether they were actually having a mental breakdown or were just sleep-deprived, before deciding it was the latter.
The timing, as all printers somehow note, was the worst time to choose to be a talking, inanimate object. The student stated that their paper was due at 8 AM the next morning. Less than nine hours away. They’d already tried printers across campus that claimed to be out of paper, much to their demise. This printer was their only hope.
“It’s like the printers know when you’re desperate. Why do they always have to stop working right as you hit print?” complained the student. “The printer had been working just fine for everyone else all day, but the second I needed it? Suddenly, it has feelings.”
The student attempted to verify their sanity by asking a passing student if they had also heard the talking Xerox. The passing student was wearing noise-cancelling headphones, so they only gave a quick thumbs up and kept walking.
For three and a half hours, the printer used the student as a therapist. The student states that the Xerox machine talked about how offended it gets each time an IT staff member unplugs it for the night to “save electricity”, never receiving a ‘thank you’ despite achieving over 47,000 documents, and the deepest disrespect of ignoring the ‘low toner’ warnings for months on end.
“Nobody even asks how I’m doing…” the Xerox reportedly said with its status lights blinking in some sad rhythm. “They just show up at 11:45 PM, desperate to get their page printed or copied, and expect me to fix their poor planning. Do they think I don’t have feelings? Do they think I just enjoy being called ‘this piece of shit’ forty times a day?”
At 2:39 AM, three hours later, the printer finally printed off the students’ one-page paper with a quiet and satisfied sigh of relief. When the student reached for the paper, the printer’s screen flicked to life again. “That’ll be $200,” it said.
“For what?” The student tried to deny this request, but the printer was adamant about the paper being too stressful for it to print. The student checked the student health insurance but noted that there isn’t a coverage option for ‘mental health services provided by office equipment that started talking. They convinced the printer that they would come back and listen to them again sometime.
“I was just trying to get my paper and leave,” says the student, admitting to giving this Xerox printer false hope once more.
When reached for comment, the printer said it’s just trying to ‘express itself’ to someone who will listen and that it’s ‘not responsible for humanity’s inability to plan ahead for printing’. It continued to ramble,so we physically moved away before it decided to bill us as well.
Look out for the Xerox printer on the third floor of the library, as it has begun to express its feelings to whoever dares to approach.
