We all know the poke bowls at the Milstein Center are gas. The sushi? Whatever. But the poke bowls? Dangerous levels of good.
Barnard sophomore Dana Mulder claims she ate a poke bowl five days a week for the entire school year, carefully rotating between a salmon bowl, a tuna bowl, and a tuna-salmon bowl so it “wouldn’t get boring for the palate.”
“It’s called balance,” Mulder explained from her hospital bed. “You can’t just eat the same thing every day.”
Unfortunately, it turns out eating raw fish five days a week for months on end actually has a downside. Huge bummer.
Mulder was admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital earlier this week with what doctors confirmed to be mercury poisoning. When first asked what could have caused the condition, Mulder claimed she had absolutely no idea.
After further questioning from medical staff, the truth eventually came out. Mulder admitted that her “normal diet” consisted almost entirely of Milstein poke bowls.
Doctors confirmed that consuming large quantities of raw fish—particularly tuna—over extended periods of time can lead to mercury poisoning, a fact Mulder says she was previously unaware of.
“I thought the worst thing that could happen was running out of points,” she said.
Barnard administrators were quick to respond to the situation. In an official statement, the college clarified that the Milstein sushi station is points-based rather than meal swipes “for a reason”and that “Students are not supposed to live exclusively on raw fish.”
The college added that dining services offer “a wide range of nutritious options,” including salad bars, hot food stations, and “literally anything that has been cooked.”
Barnard President Laura Rosenbury also commented on the incident, offering what some students described as a “slightly backhanded” response.
“You guys are supposed to be smart,” Rosenbury said. “Why would you consume deadly amounts of raw fish?”
At press time, Mulder reportedly asked nurses if Mount Sinai had any poke bowls available “just without the mercury this time.”
