Tempe, AZ — In an unprecedented effort to foster a more “authentic” college experience for its online students, Arizona State University (ASU) is rolling out its latest innovation: shipping industrial-sized heaters to remote learners. The initiative, dubbed HeatWave Immersion, promises to deliver the true Arizona desert experience right to the comfort—and discomfort—of students’ homes.
“We believe that all students deserve to feel the searing pain of walking across 300 yards of molten asphalt,” said ASU spokesperson Dana Scorcher, adjusting her sunglasses under a relentless sun. “What better way to enhance their virtual learning than by mimicking the unrelenting, soul-crushing heat that defines ASU life?”
The heaters, capable of cranking up to temperatures hotter than most kitchen ovens, are being shipped nationwide in an effort to close the gap between on-campus and online students. Each heater comes with a complimentary bottle of SPF 15 sunscreen, plastic flip-flops, and an ASU-branded water bottle that will “never quite keep your water cold enough.”
Some students are taking full advantage of the program. Jennifer Morris, an online marketing student from Seattle, shared her excitement: “It’s the little things that make me feel more connected. Now, instead of studying in my comfortable, air-conditioned apartment, I get to sit in a puddle of my own sweat, desperately clinging to life—just like my friends on campus! I feel more Sun Devilish.”
In addition to the heaters, ASU is launching a virtual “campus walk” app designed to simulate the authentic experience of heatstroke. The app replicates the sensation of trudging from one freezing, over-air-conditioned building to another, across an open asphalt wasteland that radiates heat like the surface of the sun.
To ensure maximum immersion, the app also features random dust storms and cicada buzzes, as well as helpful reminders like “No one’s coming to save you from this.” Online students can upgrade to premium for push notifications warning them about the dangers of dehydration or the smell of burning rubber from their shoes.
While some students rave about the “authenticity” of the program, others aren’t as thrilled. “I appreciate the effort,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by ASU’s tech support team, “but I didn’t sign up to literally melt during my stats lecture.”
Despite the mixed reception, ASU’s administration remains unfazed by the critiques. “This is part of the real ASU experience,” Scorcher said, sipping from what appeared to be an empty hydro flask. “Whether you’re on campus or attending remotely, it’s important you understand what it’s like to sit in a lecture hall wondering if your seat is actually an oven. Plus, if we don’t see regular heat usage, it could affect your graduation status.”
Looking ahead, ASU is reportedly considering mailing out cacti for students to step on, as well as launching a subscription service that will send them broken bike chains and uncomfortable plastic lawn chairs—the kind that retain the day’s heat just enough to make sitting unbearable.
As the HeatWave Immersion program continues to roll out, one thing is for sure: ASU is committed to making sure no online student misses out on the full Sun Devil experience—one sweat-drenched study session at a time.
