University of Arizona

The University of Arizona Is Planning on Changing Its Official Name to “Jake Schmitt”

Campus /

The final name that the board agreed on was a result of a compromise between various members of the school staff and executives. According to Benioff again: “A name like Jake Gonzalez Schmitt is just the thing we need to more adequately represent our current situation and more modern demographic shift. It sounds like the name of a possibly part-Hispanic white frat guy from Oro Valley, and I think that’s just too perfect an opportunity to help reinvent our great school.

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HEARTBREAKING: Local Javelina Population Continues to Completely Ignore All the Cool New Plants We’ve Added

Campus /

Despite the prevalence of these critters all around the area, University of Arizona groundskeeper Greta Dawson has noted a considerable lack of their presence on campus. “Can you believe that the last time Javelinas wandered onto campus was nearly a century ago? Have we really become that much less inviting?” Said the *single 66-year old gardener and former design consultant.

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“No One Really Knows What the ‘U’ in Uarizona Actually Means” – University President Suresh Garimella Unprompted

Campus /

After speaking at a conference, which was meant to be mostly insular about adding new education departments, a reporter, who showed up to ask about the latest “Compact” of the University, raised a question to him as he stood at the podium. Although not expected to answer any more questions about this issue, at least not at this event, the President boldly decided to respond to the various concerns she listed: “You know, no one really knows what the ‘U’ in UArizona really means.” *He spoke proudly before looking wistfully upon the audience.* “Personally, I think it should mean ‘Unity’.”

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POLL: 65% of U of a Students, When Asked About the Significance of Old Main, Replied by Saying Something About ‘the Alamo’

Campus, Student /

Back in March, with the 140th anniversary of the College coming up, our professional street interviewer team (not to be confused with our Ragebait TikTok street interviewer team) asked several students around the site of Old Main about what the building meant to them. This exercise likely just raised even more questions about how clueless each of the interviewees was

POLL: 65% of U of a Students, When Asked About the Significance of Old Main, Replied by Saying Something About ‘the Alamo’ Read More »

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