Class President Endorses a Two Week Old Baby for Senator
This week at Drew, two week old Jonathan is on track to become Drew’s next Senator!
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Ranger Bear Labubu Cult Found in Doyo
“I’ll never forget the song they were singing. They were…reciting the Yella’s milkshake menu.”
Inebriated Students Form a Mosh Pit After a Student Performer Plays “Hot to Go”
This week at Drew, Chappell Roan makes the Drew Pub go crazy!
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Hacker Breaches Drew Website, Realizes There’s No Money to Steal
Following the “hack attempt” (as the Drew communications department called it) on August 21, The Nut spoke in an exclusive interview with the anonymous hacker, and they shed some light on the situation.
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Alumni Feels Homesick for Drew After Eating Undercooked Chicken
The most common side effect of eating raw chicken is Salmonella. For Drew alumni, it’s pure nostalgia… and Salmonella. Recent Drew University graduate Ben Walters gained Social Media attention this week after expressing his feelings of homesickness for Drew after eating a piece of dangerously undercooked chicken.
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Ranger Bear Caught With The University’s Head of HR at Coldplay Concert
This week at Drew, beloved Drew Mascot, Ranger Bear, was caught on a Coldplay concert’s Jumbotron in a loving embrace with Drew’s Head of HR, Madison Benson.
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Tired Sophomore in Oversized Shirt and Basketball Shorts Mistaken for Adam Sandler
Students and alumni of Drew University were buzzing with excitement this week as news spread on social media that Adam Sandler was filming a movie with his daughter on campus.
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Drew’s Bingo team Clinches #1 seed for NCAA Bingo Championship Tournamant for the 4th year in a row
Drew’s Bingo team has been dominant for nearly three decades since the program was taken over by legendary Bingo Hall of Fame coach Billy “The Diagonal” Smith in 1998. In that time, the team has won 19 NCAA championships, the most by a single coach and the most since adding the “X,” “Big Square,” “Little Square,” and “Full Card” rounds. The team continues to prove its dominance by clinching the #1 seed for the fourth year in a row.
City-Killer Asteroid Now 0% Chance as Drew Becomes Asteroid-Free Campus
The year is 2032, Y24, the city-destroying asteroid first discovered in 2024, is set to hit Earth any day now. The asteroid is on an impact course with the small liberal arts college, Drew University, where it will land directly on the headquarters of the school’s 2nd tier news source, The Acorn.
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Drew President Puts Tariffs on All Food Being Delivered to Campus in Order to Encourage Students to Eat at Commons
This week at Drew, the University has put a 500% tariff on all food delivered to campus. “Yeah I guess they’re worried that no one is eating in the Commons anymore and just use DoorDash and Uber eats.,” said Drew Sophomore, Tommy Greer, “So now I have to decide between spending $150 on a DoorDash or risking my life on Commons chicken? It’s a tough call.”
