In a developing tragedy that has shaken the very foundation of Drew University’s food delivery ecosystem, local Doordash drivers are reportedly abandoning deliveries at an unprecedented rate…
“Where The Fuck is Baldwin!?” Says Doordash Driver Trying to Deliver Burrito For $2 Tip Read More »
A recent wave of unexplained occurrences in Drew University’s Hall of Sciences has left students and professors both terrified and intrigued. Reports of objects moving on their own, strange noises, and even the occasional paranormal apparition had many convinced that an evil poltergeist was haunting the building. However, a shocking revelation has put an end to the supernatural speculation.
It seems the culprit behind the ghostly activity was not a malevolent entity from beyond the grave, but rather a mischievous spirit from Drew’s own history: a Hoyt ghost, summoned inadvertently by a desperate student seeking academic assistance.
According to sources, a student in the Statistics department, facing a particularly challenging exam, decided to try their luck with a Ouija board. Hoping to summon a helpful spirit, they accidentally tapped into the spectral realm of Hoyt Hall’s infamous fourth floor, home to many prominent Drew spirits.
The demon that the student summoned, a somewhat disgruntled former super-senior named Ediugyduts the Studious, was more than willing to lend a helping hand. However, his idea of assistance involved more than just offering tutoring – he apparently decided to have a bit of fun by causing a series of ghostly pranks that would keep the Hall of Sciences in a perpetual Kafka-esque state of chaos (including turning the rotunda into a giant hamster wheel at random), distracting faculty and staff from the student’s impending exam.
The student, initially terrified by the unintended consequences of their actions, eventually confessed to the dean, who was both shocked and amused by the bizarre tale. The ghost has since been laid to rest, and the Hall of Sciences has returned to its normal — albeit slightly more haunted — state.
The dean has announced plans to install a brand-new Facilities hotline in the Hall of Sciences named Ghost Busters, where students can report any suspicious activity without fear of judgment. The actors behind the actual Ghostbusters show have announced intention to sue for copyright infringement, which apparently left Administration unfazed — “we’re not scared of those old farts; we can just tell the ghosts to turn ‘em into acorns!” proclaimed a spokesperson, apparently unaware of both the spirit behind him blowing a loud raspberry and of the fact that that is not how haunting works.
While the incident may seem like a humorous anecdote, it serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of dabbling in the occult, even with the best of intentions. The dean has assured us that the incident is being handled with care and deathly silence.
Student Uses Oujia Board to Summon Ghost to Help HIm Cheat on Exam Read More »
In what some are calling Drew University’s most chilling initiative yet, McClintock Hall has officially launched Ghost Tours of its loudest dorm rooms. This latest campus event promises to expose students to the eerie, GPA-draining forces lurking within the residence hall’s walls. For years, McClintock’s residents have been plagued by strange noises, missing assignments, and mysterious disturbances—but no one suspected the true culprit: restless spirits, eternally doomed to haunt your study sessions.
In a shocking revelation that has left the campus community barking mad, Drew University’s Community Advisors made a discovery that could rival the plot of 101 Dalmatians. During routine dorm checks, they stumbled upon a hidden dog shelter, tucked away in a seemingly ordinary Baldwin Hall room.
CAs Find Entire Dog Shelter in Student’s Dorm During 6 Week Room Check Read More »
Drew University’s LAUNCH program has just announced an innovative new workshop designed to tackle one of the most difficult challenges facing students today: answering the question, “So, what’s your major?” without spiraling into existential dread.
LAUNCH to Offer ‘How to Answer “So, What’s Your Major?” Without Crying’ Workshop Read More »
In a recent shocking revelation to the Drew community, it has been discovered that this past Monday’s construction at Brothers College was not merely a routine roof replacement — in fact, a top-secret project is underway to transform the historic building into a launchpad for a guided cruise missile.
In a move that’s shaking the academic world (or at least the very quiet world of Drew University), all Drew professors are being replaced by an AI chat bot. That’s right—goodbye, actual humans with PhDs and personal vendettas against tardy students, and hello to a shiny, 24/7, emotionally-void chatbot that doesn’t care if you turn in your essay 11 days late, as long as you type it in Comic Sans.
Due to Budget Cuts, Drew Starts Replacing Professors With ChatGPT Read More »
In a shocking display of defiance against the university’s tightened security protocols, a group of Drew University students recently gathered in the heart of campus to perform a satanic ritual.
In a revolutionary new program aimed at increasing student “immersion” (without the pesky expense of actual flights or cultural exchanges), Drew University has announced its latest initiative: Study Abroad in the Metaverse.
Drew Saves Money by Switching All Long Treks to the Meta Verse Read More »
Drew University has officially announced its most awaited course offering: Advanced Ghosting Techniques 404. This course, designed for students wishing to learn the fine art of disappearing from social obligations and embarrassing circumstances, promises to take ghosting to the next level.
