Last week, the US military asked civilians to help them find a missing F-35 aircraft that they had lost track of. While you may have seen reports that say the jet was found, these have actually been circulated to hide the truth: the missing jet has been found by representatives of Drew University, who is now holding the F-35 ransom in order to force the US government to forgive its massive debts.
When the aircraft was first reported missing, Drew’s administration saw an opportunity. “We figured that if we could get to it first,” Hannah Johnson, leader of the hastily appointed negotiation team, tells us, “we could use it to our advantage. The plane is worth a hundred million dollars, which is worth, like, a third of our debts. If this works, fingers crossed, it’ll really speed up our financial recovery.”
The negotiation team made contact with the US government by posting a selfie to instagram of University President Hilary Link sitting in the cockpit of the F-35, wearing sunglasses and holding up a peace sign. The caption reads, “Hey @potus, missing something? #giveusacall”.
The proposed terms of the ransom are that Joe Biden will include excusing Drew University’s crippling debts in his Debt Forgiveness Plan. When Johnson was asked if Drew knows that the Debt Forgiveness Plan is actually about helping students and not schools, she told us that Biden should just think of Drew as “one big student who is just another victim of predatory US tuition.” When we then asked her if she was aware that the university has caused many of its own students to also go into major debt, Johnson said, “Yeah but we’re in more debt, so can you just give us a break?”
While this is an admittedly unorthodox method of escaping debt, we have to admit that tbh we’ve all been there. So let’s wish our school luck in this madcap endeavor to free themselves from the consequences of their own actions!
