EAST LANSING, MI – Downtown sports bar FieldHouse, well-known by Michigan State students as the place where your girlfriend goes to cheat on you with an athlete you’ve never heard of, announced they were expanding earlier this month.
Currently occupying Suite A at 213 Ann Street, the growth would take over Suite B, offering more space for events and increasing the number of shady corners that your partner could betray you in.
However, due to the recent transfer of a certain basketball player that frequented FieldHouse on nights out, the plans have been scrapped, as the restaurant will no longer be generating the revenue from his Name Image and Likeness (NIL) necessary to bring the plans to fruition.
Junior guard Shea Solidlady had been a standout player for MSU this season. The Michigan State fandom rallied around his performances and catapulted him into the highest caliber of that sweet, sweet, NIL money to show how much they loved him on the hardwood. While Solidlady was expected to be even better next year, his entry into the transfer portal following the Spartans’ Elite 8 loss shocked MSU.
Off the court has been a different story for Solidlady, as he has a reputation with East Lansing’s service workers for his less-than-stellar tips on bar tabs and penchant for physical altercations when his ego is bruised. Despite this, management loves him for always spending a lot of money on drinks.
FieldHouse doorman Harrison “Fraternal Sunshine” Richards says Solidlady’s behavior is “just what I would expect from someone who always sells my parlays,” and that the expansion of FieldHouse was “the last thing I care about, now can you fuck off, dude? I’m trying to get this girl’s number.”
