A shocking new report released by Drew University’s Office of Student Resilience confirms what we all suspected: 99% of students are simply “getting through it” this midterm season, clinging to survival like a stale Commons bagel. The report, compiled through a rigorous combination of surveys, caffeine consumption data, and desperate Instagram posts tagged with #SendHelp, paints a vivid picture of campus morale. When asked to describe their current academic standing, most students selected options ranging from “Treading Water” to “Barely Functioning,” with one overachiever confidently responding, “What’s a GPA?”
“It’s tough out here,” admitted sophomore Alex Stevens, surrounded by a fortress of highlighters and coffee cups in the library. “Last night, I spent three hours writing a paper, only to realize the professor asked for a presentation. At this point, I’m running on vibes and spite.” The Office of Student Resilience noted a few key coping mechanisms among Drew students during this period of academic chaos. Commons coffee consumption is reportedly up 200%, with many students opting to add five or more espresso shots to their orders of lattes at the EC. The library couches have become unofficial dormitories, and rumors swirl that at least one student has successfully napped in the Hall of Sciences ceiling tiles.
Professors, meanwhile, are doing their part to maintain the chaos. One anonymous faculty member gleefully admitted to assigning an entire textbook’s worth of reading over the weekend, claiming it was for “educational growth.” “Look, I just want them to prioritize,” the professor said, smugly sipping herbal tea. Not everyone is struggling, though. A mysterious 1% of students reportedly marked their midterm status as “thriving,” but upon closer inspection, this group consisted entirely of Drew squirrels. “We’re stocked up on acorns, the leaves are falling, and the humans are too distracted to chase us off picnic tables. Life is good,” said Nutella Squeaks, leader of the F.U.F.S.R.
The administration has acknowledged the situation but offered little in the way of tangible solutions. Instead, they sent out a vaguely encouraging email reminding students to “practice mindfulness” and “schedule time to breathe.” Unfortunately, the email’s attached breathing schedule caused several students to spiral into existential crises, as it clashed with their already triple-booked calendars. For now, Drew students remain united in their determination to survive. When asked how they planned to approach the rest of the semester, one exhausted senior summed it up best: “Just keep getting through it. And if I don’t, at least the squirrels seem happy.”
In a final, oddly uplifting statistic, 73% of students reported that no matter how bleak things get, they’d rather be here than taking midterms in high school again. “I mean, at least here I can cry in The Forest. It’s peaceful,” said a teary-eyed freshman.
