In a dramatic turn of events that would make Alexander Hamilton blush, a routine Student Government Senate meeting suddenly descended into absolute chaos Wednesday night. The catalyst for this extraordinary spectacle? A seemingly innocuous proposal for a mandatory early-morning DSEM class in Tolley-Brown Circle.
Senator Earl Y. Bird, the champion of the idea, promoted the virtues of sunrise salutations and the transformative power of early-morning learning. However, his proposal was met with a chorus of groans and eye rolls from his fellow senators.
Senator Sammy M. Shuteye, a staunch advocate for the sanctity of rest, was particularly incensed. “Sunrise DSEM?” he scoffed, his voice dripping with disdain. “At that ungodly hour? I say we should be sleeping!”
The ensuing debate quickly escalated into a full-blown war of words. Bird defended his proposal with fervor, citing studies and anecdotes as evidence of its benefits. Shuteye, however, remained steadfast, arguing that such a preposterous idea was “just really plain old lame”, and bad for student well-being.
As the tension in the room reached a record high, Shuteye suddenly challenged Bird to a duel. “At dawn!” he declared, his voice echoing through the E.C. in a reverberation to rival even the loudest campus lawnmower. “Behind the Hall of Sciences! Swords or pistols, your choice!”
Bird accepted with a flourish, a glint in his eye. “I’ll bring my trusty rapier.”
News of the impending battle spread like wildfire across campus. Students were buzzing with excitement, eager to witness this event. The Hall of Sciences was transformed overnight by freshmen into a makeshift arena, with a crowd of onlookers gathering to watch the spectacle unfold.
As the sun rose, the two faced off. The crowd held its breath, anticipating the clash of steel. However, before they could begin, Campus Safety Officer Nicholas Shields arrived on the scene and broke up the fight.
“Enough!” he thundered, his voice cutting through the air. “Imagine the amount of paperwork I’m gonna have to fill out because of this!”
With a wave of his hand, he dispersed the crowd and escorted the two to the Dean’s office. The two senators were subsequently suspended from the Senate for a week, according to University spokesperson Bradley Battleson. The duel “highlights a serious issue: the importance of effective communication and respectful discourse,” said Battleson, before he had to be pulled back off-stage, yelling “but it was pretty cool anyway! I’m with Shuteye!”
Student opinion seems to echo Battleson’s sentiment, and Bird’s proposal was later rejected by the rest of the sane, insomniac-majority Student Senate. However, this momentous event shall nevertheless go down in history as quite the Shakespearean showdown, and will doubtless never be forgotten.
