The stench of BO and chicken tenders already surrounded East Lansing like a wind storm. Now, due to the actions of one freshman student, the smell around campus has only gotten worse.
Laundry in the dorms is a nightmare, this is no secret. However, to make matters worse, the bottom right dryer in Akers Hall is broken.
A freshman by the name of Freddie Miffle was outraged, and would not stand for this. So, Freddie organized a protest amongst his peers: nobody was to do laundry until that bottom dryer was fixed.
The school responded by saying they will not tolerate such insubordinate behavior, and as such, instead of fixing the bottom right dryer, they were now going to put the bottom left dryer out of commission as well.
Miffle stood his ground: “You’re telling me this gazillion dollar school can’t fix one dryer? Bullshit. We will continue to fight until we get what is right.”
MSU President, Kevin Guskiewicz, doubled down by putting the top middle-right dryer and top middle-left dryer’s out of commission as well, limiting students to just four dryers.
“We pay this school five mortgages, the least they can do is fix our damn dryers,” said freshman Parker Hess.
Female students are outraged at the school as well.
“We can’t even walk to class without inhaling the smell of sweaty 18 year old boys and BO only the devil himself could produce. This is cruel and unusual punishment for absolutely nothing,” said Melissa Frank, the head of Women Against Smelly Humans, also known as WASH.
Guskiewicz tripled down and shut down laundry all together in every dorm.
“This isn’t about anything more than asserting our authority. These delinquents must know who is in charge here. Hint: it ain’t them,” the President said. “We’re pitting the girls against the guys and they will do the dirty work for us. A couple days of women constantly nagging plus a breakup threat or two will have the guys on their knees begging for mercy. We have it under control.”
Miffle countered by saying all male students will wear noise canceling headphones to combat the nagging.
The war has only just begun. Stay tuned for updates and casualty numbers as we’re sure there will be many relationships taking a hit.
