Tempe, AZ: 10:15 am MST. ASU President Michael Crow held a press conference on Monday, boasting of well…something that frankly, nobody cares about. The President, droning on for two minutes, lost the attention of the media. ASU news reporters and other local news stations turned their attention to the crowds cheering outside.
After weeks of buildings leaking, fraternity brothers and local heroes Andrew Rachelon and Tristain Waeznek decided to do something about it. “ASU is ranked #1 in sustainability,” Rachelon explained. “Seeing water leaking from our newest buildings was a real bummer at first. As was watching taxpayer money go down the drain. I was tired of going to class initially. We had a student almost drown, but the worst part is having wet socks all the time.”
Fellow Kappa-Kappa member Tristain Waeznek agreed, “I couldn’t continue living like that. I think I broke every dress code rule by wearing only swim shorts and slides to class. I had to change at least three times a day. It was exhausting. So I met up with Andrew, and we said, okay, how do we fix this? But what really inspired the Slip n Slide idea was to reuse the water and reduce the waste. So, we started lining the sidewalks with colored reusable trash bags and sliding to class. The feedback has been positive I think, even public safety professors are wearing wetsuits and having a blast.”
“We have a system in place here,” Rachelon added. “Every street leads to a different building. Blue is for sustainability, black is for cyber security, and red is for the public officials, since they’re promoting communism on campus,” he explained proudly. “The longest track we have is almost a mile long, and it’s rainbow-colored. We wanted to show everyone that we’re representing them, you know? Like their best interests. We named it Rainbow Road.”
“We have competitions with other fraternities. It’s like Mario-Kart but real. And we get to support great causes, like reducing waste and acting like idiots. It’s fun, we’ve learned a lot about how traffic works since we’ve had a few collisions. It’s hands-on learning,” Waeznek stated.
ASU’s mascot, Sparky, the less-charismatic substitute for Satan, was seen slipping and sliding down Rainbow Road. His smile plastered creepily to his face, Sparky bowled through three trash cans, knocked down two pedestrians, and swiped a passerby’s skateboard.
“There’s a point system too,” Rachelon boasted. “Whoever can hit the most administrators wins. They’re the ones who waste the most. They’re wasting water and time trying to sue us for this.”
“Yeah,” Waeznek echoed, “Luckily the law professors don’t care, they’re actually using their briefcases to surf. I heard some law students say that if the administrators sue us, they’ll waterboard them to prevent more water from being wasted, which is cool.”
“The law professors are great. They encouraged cars going the 25 speed limit to go 35 instead, since the roads are flooded,” Rachelon grinned. “That means the sidewalks are splash-zones, and students who are in a rush can get an extra tow to class. We attached bungee cords to the backs of pickups for students to grab and ride.”
“It’s incredibly efficient,” Wazonek nodded. “We had a baseball player clock 15 miles per hour slipping and sliding. That’s way better than walking. He’s normally late to class, but he arrived early. There’s a reason why ASU is also ranked #1 in innovation. We created this system, it’s amazing.”
When asked what their hopes are, Rachelon teared up. “Sorry I wasn’t expecting to get emotional and waste more water,” he said, wiping his eyes. “My dream is that schools everywhere can implement this system, regardless of its legality.”
