February is notable as a month for several reasons. It is the calendar’s shortest month, it is the only month that possesses a Leap Day, It is the only month that can pass without a single full moon and, of course, it is the seat on which Saint Valentine’s Day, the Lover’s Holiday, rests. For many, that would be the end of it. A day where couples give each other flowers and kiss at midnight, but for Errol Waits, it is a day with far nastier implications.
A psych major and senior, Errol Waits gained some amount of virality last week when he was filmed attempting to fist fight Heartman the Friendly Heart, a mascot for the Rhuger Foundation, who were using the lead up to Valentine’s Day to advertise their Heart Cancer charity on Campus. When asked why he would do this, Waits responded,
“I just couldn’t help myself, that dancing, plush bastard was up there, swanning around, pretending like love is easy, I had to give him what for, I wasn’t going to let him mock me and get away with it”. Errol has an extremely fraught history with Valentine’s Day. According to him, he has never once had a significant other in his entire life, in spite of the fact that he desperately wants one. Everything Errol sees during Valentine’s Day reminds him that he will never know the pleasure of having somebody love you for who you are, and this knowledge fills him with immeasurable rage.
“I can barely drive during the holiday. Whenever I see a couple walking hand-in-hand down the street, flaunting in my face what I can’t have, I just get so angry. All I’d need to do is scootch my steering wheel a little to the right, and I could show those motherfuckers how bad they make me feel. It’d be so easy. I have to bite my lip to take my mind off how easy it’d be.”
When asked why he doesn’t just get a dating app if his single status bothers him so much, Errol had this to say,
“Are you stupid? Dating? Me? You think anyone would date this ugly mug? Go find someone else to pester before I fold you like a lawn chair, Paperboy.”
