It was announced earlier today that, as a part of a rebranding effort by the college, plans are being made to eventually fully convert the name of the University to the name “Jacob Garcia Schmitt or just Jake for short, in order to sound more grounded, friendly, and overall more personable. The UofA executive board is concerned about the reliability of the now long-official title for the school and has been considering editing it in some way for quite a while. “It just isn’t clear to people what the University of Arizona is meant to represent. There are plenty of colleges in the state now, so what we really need to do is make ours sound more specific in some way,” said trustee member George Benioff.
As part of this process, various polling measures have taken place across the country, workshopping names, and nearly all results pointed to something drastically different from our current one. When people were presented with the quandary of whether or not they’d prefer to hang out with someone named *placeholder name like Bella Stinson or something.* or someone with the name: The University of Arizona, the other name was chosen nearly 99.9% of time with the small exception of a couple of freaks and losers that people probably wouldn’t want to associate with anyway.
The final name that the board agreed on was a result of a compromise between various members of the school staff and executives. According to Benioff again: “A name like Jake Gonzalez Schmitt is just the thing we need to more adequately represent our current situation and more modern demographic shift. It sounds like the name of a possibly part-Hispanic white frat guy from Oro Valley, and I think that’s just too perfect an opportunity to help reinvent our great school.”
