In the basements of Hubbard Hall, an underground club (literally) fights through confusion, concussions, and low attendance to grow popularity. Innocent freshmen just trying to do their laundry often stumble into their meetings.
“It sounds like people are fighting every time I go down there,” said Jordan Grange, MSU Freshman. “Which is probably because they are.”
The MSUUFC club, not to be confused with MSUFCU, was started by Anad Green, an MSU senior.
“I’ve always liked UFC and thought it was missing at Michigan State,” said Green. “I figured starting a club was the best way to bring it to the masses. But all of our audience members just care about stupid things like laundry and putting a shirt on and not using the washing machines as punching bags.”
MSUUFC is MSU’s Ultimate Fighting Championship, emulating Dana White’s fighting production. When asked about attendance, Green only sighed and said, “We’ve been having really bad turnouts. Our members think we’re the credit union. Our audience is boring. Nobody sticks around for longer than one or two meetings. It’s a real problem.”
We decided to interview some past and current members of the semester-old club after hearing about the attendance problems.
“I was just trying to grab my clothes out of the washing machine, and this guy told me I had to pay $20 cause apparently I was ‘watching the fight.’ I don’t care about the two skinny kids punching each other, I just want to dry my jeans,” said Allie Jenkins, an MSU freshman. Jenkins then mentioned that she paid the fee to access her washing machine.
“I’m never going back,” said Charles Lincoln, who took his interview from a hospital bed. “I was just trying to check on my bank account, and now I have a broken nose and bruised ribs.”
Issues of hospitalization have become more prevalent in the past month, as almost 20 students have been injured due to poor preparation for combat.
“We thought it was a financial literacy initiative,” said one faculty sponsor who asked to remain anonymous. “By the time we realized it involved chokeholds, it was too late.”
We brought these charges of improper preparation and false advertising to Green, who seemed unconcerned about the collateral damage being caused by his club. “Honestly, sometimes you gotta break a couple eggs to make an omelette,” said Green. “Sometimes it’s two eggs, and sometimes it’s almost thirty.”
Barem Holloway, an MSU sophomore, is the most senior member of the MSUUFC club, having made it to four meetings. When asked about the club, Holloway said, “I mean, I like it, but it’s so hard to hit the weight. And my opponent.”
“I was kinda hoping we’d get some of that $1 billion that went to MSU sports,” Green admitted when asked why he kept trying to keep the club alive. “I was gonna try to rent out the Breslin Center to host one of our fights.”
MSUUFC has hosted three fighting cards, all of which ended in one punch after the other person quit because it hurt too much. Critics argue the league’s average fight time of 1.7 seconds raises concerns about athlete conditioning.
“We tried to commentate on a match, but by the time we blinked once, the fight was already over,” said Roe Jogan, an Impact FM radio announcer.
Green hopes to upgrade from the Hubbard Hall laundry room to a larger space. On wanting a change of scenery, Green said, “There’s no way Munn Ice Arena is always in use. C’mon, MSU, just let me use it for like a couple weeks.”
We here at the Nut pray never to see the day when Green’s club of finance bros try—and fail—to fight shirtless on the ice.
