In response to rising stress caused by the long-dreaded midterm season, Drew University has announced the launch of a new campus wellness program: Emotional Support Squirrels.
The program, officially titled “Project Rodent,” allows frustrated students to temporarily rent a Drew-trained and certified squirrel for the low price of $49.99 per hour with your dedicated companion.
“We’ve already seen remarkable results. Fifteen out of twenty students have reported that their mental and academic capabilities have improved thanks to our new program. It’s a real success,” said President Link.
The administration has refused to comment on the five students brutally mauled by their new furry friends.
Students can reserve a squirrel through the university’s counseling center website. Each rental box includes one certified squirrel companion, a bag of mixed nuts, and a manual for how to interact with your squirrel.
The counseling center encourages students to “treat the animal as if it were your therapist.”
“Honestly, Nutley gets me. We’re both just hoarding resources and bunkering down while hoping for the best. It’s the most stable relationship I’ve had all semester,” one student said.
After a recent incident where a student refused to return their rented animal, the Drew administration has cracked down on rental returns.
They have since instituted squirrel ankle monitors to track their location, and a $100 fine should a squirrel not be returned after the rental period.
If the program continues to produce favorable results, Drew University is already considering expanding the program to encompass finals season and mentoring programs.
