Several recent Bachelors who participated in the last Gradfest have noticed their old caps and gowns going missing, and this pattern has been recognized by our investigation team to be taking place largely around the period of the third and fifth of March.
Finally, we know the reason why, and this ties back to the addition of a new ‘bundle’ category. What participants of this semester’s festival may be asking themselves right now is, ‘Wasn’t there only three bundle options listed: Bachelor, Master, and Doctor?’
No, you simpleton. Although that may be what was said on the handouts, a new package was added in that same group, namely, the “Bachelor’s”. Taking advantage of the average bachelor’s student’s ability to misspeak, many applicants from the last fair had unwittingly requested the “Bachelor’s” bundle rather than the “Bachelor” bundle.
‘What’s the difference?’ You may ask, annoyingly. The difference is that the regular “BACHELOR BUNDLE” includes a brand new gown, cap, college stole & tassel. The “BACHELOR’S BUNDLE” includes a gown, cap, college stole & tassel… that was STOLEN from a previous recipient.
Every time someone made this request, a member of the staff would subsequently break into the house of a previous student and confiscate their regalia if applicable.
Now that it has become increasingly clear how they continue to fund this discount operation scheme, our team had a word with the program’s director. The closest reasoning that she gave for the time being was “We really didn’t think the graduates would take up much of an issue with it. I mean, how were we supposed to guess Gen Z students would still hold reverence for educational milestones?”
Due to a legal loophole, they don’t have to compensate any of the customers who got their products recalled. Despite this, we were still able to receive a great concession from them, as they are now being pressured to release a statement saying “sowwy”
