Boulder, Co. (TN) — We all know them, those people who wear shorts in the winter, the ones who claim it ‘just doesn’t feel that cold.’ Usually accompanied by open-toe shoes, this group seems to gain power from freezing cold temperatures. Love them or hate them, they’re a staple of CU.
That’s why, with the unusually warm weather that Colorado has been getting, these winter short wearers find themselves lost.
“It’s just a really big part of my identity,” bemoans Carson Reed. “Who am I when I’m not standing out because of my shorts in subzero temps?”
Research conducted by the Environmental Center suggests that an emotional storm may follow due to the lack of actual weather storms. “When these WSW’s, or winter short wearers, a demographic composed almost entirely of white men, lose their outlet of expression, they will turn to other drastic means.”
Stores have already been reporting shortages of shaving cream and baking soda, common ingredients to make fake snow. Authorities are monitoring purchase amounts in concern that the WSWs will try to create an artificial winter on the CU campus.
Some of the members of the FreeSkiing club are seen frantically cutting white printer paper to make snow angels in, or strapping bags of ice to their legs in an attempt to recreate the freezing conditions they have come to rely on for attention. Emerging theories have tentatively suggested that white men rely on the attention they get from wearing shorts in the winter to last them for the whole year, like a reverse hibernation.
“It’s truly sad to see. Maybe people will start taking global warming seriously if they see how badly it’s affecting white men.” Says Chris Herr, director of the Environmental Center.
