On Sunday, the 6th of September, a commando unit of custodial staff systematically opened, drained, and refilled every hand sanitizer dispenser on campus with hot sauce. Their goal? See if anybody, literally anybody, would notice. Installed en masse during the COVID-19 pandemic, the fancy schmancy dispensers were meant to help mitigate the spread of COVID-19 through handjobs, but quickly assumed the role of high-tech wall art. But it’s never too late for a midlife crisis, and the university is taking that to heart, with Operation Walking Taco. Before the Teamsters strike, the university purchased a lay-in supply of hot sauce in case of a run on the condiment bar, but with a midground reached, and a tragic lack of storage, the hot sauce seems to have found its new forever home, where no one will ever disturb it. When interviewed earlier this week, the hot sauce remarked, “It feels great to finally have a place of my own, without any distractions or chance of getting eaten by anybody. Now I finally have time to work on my screenplay.” It really goes to show that when the university sets its mind to it, truly, anything is possible.
