ASU has once again demonstrated its commitment to innovation by allegedly creating ASTD, a “homegrown” sexually transmitted disease that university officials are already branding as the first new STD to emerge from a Tier 1 research institution.
Fraternity leaders across campus are now locked in heated disputes over who holds the patent rights to what one senior in biomedical engineering described as “a transformative force in Greek life.”.“Everyone knows Sig Chi had patient zero, but we were the first to weaponize it,” claimed a Delta Tau brother, holding up what he insisted was the original petri dish. Rival frats have filed counterclaims, citing their own “pioneering contributions” to spreading the pathogen during Welcome Week.
The university administration has remained tight-lipped but hinted at plans to showcase ASTD as the star piece at next year’s Innovation Open, alongside student-built satellites and algae-based biofuels.“ASU doesn’t just follow trends — we set them,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “If Stanford can have ChatGPT startups, we can have communicable diseases.”At press time, medical staff at ASU Health Services were still working on whether the treatment for ASTD would be covered by the student wellness fee or a new fee to be introduced to clear future mishaps. As the Nut tried to interview student finances, they were seen foaming at the mouth, possibly in excitement over the new revenue-generating cash cow they unearthed.
