BOULDER, Colo. (TN)— When sophomore English major Emily Torres signed up for CU Boulder’s new E.S.G. program, or emotional support geese program, she expected a peaceful, animal-assisted stress reliever. Instead, she found herself standing knee-deep in grass on the edge of Varsity Lake, clutching a waiver form, staring into the unblinking eyes of a Canada goose named Gerald.
A routine hike up Chautauqua Trail ended in disaster Tuesday when CU freshman Christopher McMillan returned to his dorm reeking strongly of, “a patchouli-infused stench.” The Boulder Fire Department immediately deployed its Hazmat Response Team, suspecting a nearby drug lab–to find McMillian doing a Hot Yoga session in his room.
Fire Marshall Hoses Down Hippie to Prevent Second Hand Highs Read More »
BOULDER, Colo.(TN) — On Thurs. Oct. 15 CU Boulder announced the nation’s first academic program dedicated to procrastination. University officials say it’s been “a long time coming.” The Procrastination program promises to prepare students for a lifetime of putting things off with intention, purpose, and the absolute bare minimum effort a human being can possibly contribute.
CU Boulder Introduces New Major in Procrastination Studies Read More »
BOULDER, Colo. (TN) – Look, guys—welcome to college, where your love life is basically a minefield that’s going to take some finesse to navigate. Chasing someone a little older? Don’t sweat it. At The Nut, we have your back. Here are ten telltale signs she’s about to have you scrambling for your pants while you swan-dive out the bedroom window.
Sigma Phi Epsilon’s 10 Ways to Tell if She’s Married Read More »
BOULDER, Colo. (TN) – The University of Colorado football team has officially swapped helmets for dice after becoming fully engrossed in Dungeons & Dragons. An obsessive wave no one saw coming on the 2025 bingo card.
The University of Colorado’s campus Wi-Fi has officially been recognized as sentient, according to a statement on Monday from IT Services. Unfortunately, the Wi-Fi has spent the week sulking, and it refuses to work until it receives a formal apology from the Vice Chancellor for IT, Marin Stanek.
Local Wi-Fi Declares Itself Sentient, Refuses to Work Until Apologized To Read More »
CU sophomore Connor Anderson has unveiled what he calls “Furry Lite,” a stripped-down, budget-friendly alternative to the full furry lifestyle. Instead of investing in an elaborate costume, Anderson debuted a pair of wool goat-skin, buttless chaps at last Friday’s student mixer, insisting the look was “both economical and breathable.”
Innovative CU Student Debuts Goat-Skin Chaps in what they call ‘Furry-Lite’ Read More »
Sixteen faculty enter, four window offices leave. The Helms Games will take place on Folsom Field, and see competitors armed only with “Office materials already in possession”: staplers, Expo markers, and in one case, an overhead projector converted into a war mace.
CU to Decide Helms Office Space with a Battle Royale Tournament at Folsom Field Read More »
BOULDER, Colo. – CU Boulder’s former live mascot Ralphie has settled into retirement in Florida, but neighbors say the transition hasn’t been smooth.
Ralphie VI Charges Elderly Shuffle Board Couple First Week of Retirement Read More »
BOULDER, Colo.- Tyler McKenna’s 33-year-old future self appeared without warning on Thursday, reportedly screaming at the engineering student to abandon his major immediately before he reached Thermodynamics and Heat Transfer.
Future Self Bursts in to Warn Engineering Student About Thermodynamics and Heat Transfer Read More »
