Campus - The Nut

Due to Budget Cuts, Drew Starts Replacing Professors With ChatGPT

In a move that’s shaking the academic world (or at least the very quiet world of Drew University), all Drew professors are being replaced by an AI chat bot. That’s right—goodbye, actual humans with PhDs and personal vendettas against tardy students, and hello to a shiny, 24/7, emotionally-void chatbot that doesn’t care if you turn in your essay 11 days late, as long as you type it in Comic Sans.

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MSU Road Construction To Conclude in 2084; New Cultural Center in 2132

Campus / Michigan State

MSU has the eighth largest campus in the country, and it takes a lot to keep it pretty. Since it is in the state of Michigan, there is obviously endless construction going on. Many major roads are under construction as well as a brand new cultural center that has a lot of people excited.

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Students Have Resorted to Satanic Rituals in Order to Visit Their Friends in Other Dorm Buildings

Campus / Drew

In a shocking display of defiance against the university’s tightened security protocols, a group of Drew University students recently gathered in the heart of campus to perform a satanic ritual.

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Local Bars Near MSU Seem Unaware of Underage Drinking

Campus, Food / Michigan State

Some hotspot bars around East Lansing and MSU’s campus include Rick’s, Harper’s, Landshark, Fieldhouse, and others. All of these bars swear that they have no knowledge of anybody underage drinking in their bars.

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Drew University Now Offering Advanced ‘Ghosting’ Classes: Learn How to Avoid Your Ex Like a Pro

Campus, Editors Pick, Professor / Drew

Drew University has officially announced its most awaited course offering: Advanced Ghosting Techniques 404. This course, designed for students wishing to learn the fine art of disappearing from social obligations and embarrassing circumstances, promises to take ghosting to the next level.

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Drew’s GrubHub Dining System Under Attack by Hackers Asking For the Return of Their Glitched Meal Swipes

Campus, Food / Drew

In a shocking turn of events that has left Drew University students feeling more than hangry, the campus’s newly implemented Grubhub-based dining system has been crippled by a ransomware attack.

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Drew is Officially in an Economic Crisis as Inflation Causes The Pub to Raise the Cost of Pizza Slices to $2

Campus, Food, Uncategorized / Drew

One of Drew University’s fun and unique features is the on-campus bar, The Pub, located in the EC. Known for its cozy atmosphere and bizarre videos, it has also been a favorite because of its free pizza policy. Alas, this is finally changing, with pizza now costing $2.

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Squirrels Are Attacking Smokers in the Woods Behind Tolley in Order to Get a Smoke-Free Campus

Campus / Drew

In a shocking turn of events, Drew University students have been disappearing from Tolley Hall at an alarming rate. A band of militant squirrels has been behind the abductions, fed up with the students’ disregard for their woodland haven.

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The Delicate Balance of The Universe Thrown Off When Commons Changed the Type of French Fries That They Use

Campus, Editors Pick, Food / Drew

On one recent morning, students awoke to a strange chill in the air. It was not just the winter air settling in; there was an ominous wind blowing. Those who felt it tried valiantly to ignore it, but when they reached Commons, they realized that calamity had struck.

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Students Are Unable to Get to Class Without Being a Part of a Photography Student’s Project

Campus, Editors Pick, Student / Drew

Our campus is famous for its beautiful scenery, and its photogenic nature, making Admissions’ job so much easier by enticing new students to enter its idyllic paths. However, this may be a case of too much of a good thing, for now, there are photography students taking photos absolutely everywhere on campus in order to be the ones to take the Perfect Shot.

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