The year is 2032, Y24, the city-destroying asteroid first discovered in 2024, is set to hit Earth any day now. The asteroid is on an impact course with the small liberal arts college, Drew University, where it will land directly on the headquarters of the school’s 2nd tier news source, The Acorn. This was the exact prediction given by Nut Astronomers after examining Y24. However, as of today, February 28, 2025, the chances of the meteor hitting Earth have dropped to 0% now that Drew has announced they are officially an “Asteroid Free Campus.”
Drew University has already hosted a press conference, taking full credit for preventing Y24. “You know for a long time we’ve had a blasé policy regarding city killing asteroids on campus.,” said Drew President, Thomas J. Schwarz, “But after a lengthy discussion weighing the pros and cons, we agreed that it was probably in the best interest of the University not to be incinerated by a space rock the size of the Statue of Liberty.”
Signs reading, “Stigma Free, Smoke-Free, Asteroid Free.,” have been spotted all over campus as Drew has officially made it their new slogan. “I’m honestly amazed no other University thought of it first!” said Drew’s Marketing Director, Page Brendon, “It’s almost as if they wanted an asteroid to turn their campus into a huge crater!”
Brendon went on to say that much like her idea of a smoke-free campus, once you make it official, it’s simply impossible for that thing to happen on campus. A statement that, if you can ignore the pile of cigarettes around Riker, which requires the daily use of a snow shovel to clean up, is entirely accurate.
Since the slogan was unveiled, it has received mixed reviews from the student body. Drew Senior, Kevin Mcalister explained that Drew getting hit by an asteroid is his best chance to escape his student loans. “I like the idea of an asteroid-free campus, but I also like the idea of not still being in debt well into my 30’s.,” added Mcalister.
As complaints about Drew’s strong new stance against meteors continue to mount in the president’s office, there are 3 questions that keep being asked. Would being free of stigma and chain smoking have saved the dinosaurs? If an asteroid does hit campus, are we then allowed to smoke weed again? And the most asked question: can the campus be asteroid free except for the Doyo?
