In a shocking display, Drew has announced a radical overhaul of its parking permit system to replace the current structure after the sale of the commuter lot to Madison. As of now, all commuter students must prove their worthiness to park their vehicle at Drew in a series of high-stakes swordfights.
“We believe this new system will foster a sense of chivalry and honour among our students,” explained a spokesperson for Campus Safety; “after all, what better way to decide who gets to park than through a tradition as old as time itself?”
The E.C. will be transformed into a mediaeval battlefield, complete with a makeshift castle and a Ranger Bear flag adorning the entrance door. Commuters will compete in rounds, ending in a final showdown between two formidable students. Upon the winner will swiftly forthwith be bestowed their hallowed windshield sticker, while the loser will be relegated to the dreaded “bike zone”.
Concerns have been raised by some commuters about this new system, who worry about the potential for death or injury. However, Campus Safety has assured everyone that safety precautions will be in place, such as mandatory helmet use and a ban on flamethrowers.
“We’re taking every precaution to ensure the safety of our students,” said a spokesperson, adding that “while of course a few broken ribs and a concussion or three are to be expected, don’t forget it’s all part of the fun!”
“I’m not sure how I feel about this,” admitted a nervous student in between fencing practise sessions. “I’m a Business major, not jousting – more of a quill-and-parchment kinda guy.” Professors have also chimed in with their own complaints – “I already have far too many reports to fill out from all of my Model UN students nuking each other; now I have to deal with this too!?” bemoaned one Political Science instructor.
As the oncoming winter quickly brings harbingers of the newly minted Drew Parking Games, the community continues on edge, tensely waiting for the first battle to commence. Whether this new method will show itself to be a knightly success remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: Drew University is about to become the most competitive place to park on the East Coast.
