Students and community members are still recovering from the horrifying robbery at CVS on M.A.C Ave last week. We here at the Nut got wind of some new developments in the case, so we sent our best down to the East Lansing P.D. to interview Head Detective Richard B. Smalls.
According to Smalls, the robbery had to be the work of “them smelly, pencil-necked, computer fuckers that ruined my marriage.” Smalls told us that the evidence overwhelmingly indicated that the culprits were students in MSU’s Computer Science and Engineering program.
Smalls continued to rant, “Those darned poindexters are good. Whole store was ransacked, all of them cameras was disabled and the security system was shut down for a week! But they forgot one thing, and I’m gonna get ’em for it! Not a single stick of deodorant was touched. Heck, they even left the Old Spice! It’s like they’re allergic to not smelling like curdled milk!”
This accusation, if true, would bring a third crime into the string of Computer Science related burglaries that have been plaguing East Lansing.
The first crime came a month ago, when Summit Comics and Games were stripped of all of their busty anime figurines and their Japanese-printed Pokémon cards.
The second happened just days before the CVS robbery, when Best Buy was looted during a suspicious lack of Geek Squad members, who conveniently called in sick to work that day.
Campus Police advise staying away from any and all Dungeons and Dragons activities, as well as asking local stores to install smell-activated alarms to identify any potential perpetrators. Meanwhile, the MSU community is begging computer science professors to give out more exams, that way any potential thieves will not have enough time on their hands to commit any more stinky felonies.
