It’s Monday morning and you just woke up at 8:10 am on the day of your 8:30 am lecture. With little time to get ready, you already know that you are going to be shuffling into class late with no coffee. Luckily, you are one of the few students smart enough to have purchased “Ranger Plus,” Drew’s newest tuition package. For simply doubling your annual tuition, you will gain access to, your very own time-saving golf cart, the right to skip any line in the E.C. or Commons, your very own parking space, and so much more! But besides the substantial fees, could there be a price?
“Here at Drew, we are always looking for new ways to improve the daily lives of all of our students.,” said the University President, “This was our mistake. Ranger Plus will bring an exciting new feel of exclusivity that will hopefully motivate our students to have richer parents.” The President went on to say that Drew believes Ranger Plus is the best way to ensure not having to sell the Forest, even if the members have become “a little mean.”
“A little mean” of course referring to the reports of abuse filed by non-Ranger Plus Students. Fueled by jealousy, many students claim that the powers given to Ranger Plus members are unfair.
Gina Powers, a Junior at Drew, spoke out against the epic new Ranger Plus Golf Carts. While most reviews of the Golf Carts are, “This is so cool!,” and “Why have I been walking this whole time? The review of Powers pessimistically read “I never saw it coming.” No action has yet been taken for the damage caused to the Golf Cart.
Doug Brostein, a Senior at Drew, believes that Ranger Plus has added to an already tense parking situation. “I pay for a spot so that I can park in front of Riker,” said Brostein, “But apparently, if there aren’t enough spots for Ranger Plus members, they just tow your car! I haven’t even found my car yet!” Brostein’s car was later found in “fair” condition in a ditch of the Arboretum.
Despite haters doing their best, Ranger Plus members claim that they’ve never been happier. “I wanted a sandwich from the commons but there was a long line. Thanks to Ranger Plus, they just gave me the sandwich made for the guy at the front of the line. So helpful!,” said Sophomore Marcy Jones. According to Nut data, happiness for members has risen to 96%! (The scores of non-members were not considered relevant to this survey.) “I’ll tell you what, there is nothing better than the fresh air against your face as you zoom through campus on your Cart.,” said Junior, Joe Marks, “I mean sure sometimes there are these really big bumps on the path but other than that it’s bliss.”
The launch of Ranger Plus has been deemed a resounding success according to the Drew Board. It is available to “all” students via your Treehouse account. The Board would also like students to stay tuned for the exclusive “Ranger Plus Lounge” which “probably won’t replace the forest.”
