In a bold and unexpected move, the squirrel population of Drew University’s Forest has officially declared independence, establishing themselves as the Free and United Forest Squirrel Republic (F.U.F.S.R.). Led by a renegade squirrel known only as “Big Nut,” the F.U.F.S.R. is demanding equal rights, access to student meal plans, and—most shockingly—grubhub access to The Commons. The announcement came via a handwritten note taped to the tree outside Brothers College, surrounded by an impressive ring of acorn shells and a suspicious number of discarded chip bags.
“Too long have we, the squirrels of Drew University, foraged for scraps!” declared Big Nut in his manifesto, which was translated from Squirrelese by an enthusiastic group of first-year environmental studies majors. “We demand fair access to The Commons. If freshmen can swipe in three times a day for mysterious casseroles and chocolate chip pancakes, so can we.”
The Commons staff were blindsided by the demands. One worker, clutching an industrial-sized bag of pretzels, expressed disbelief. “I’ve had squirrels follow me into The Commons before, but now they’re unionizing?” she said, her gaze darting suspiciously at the treeline. “I’m all for equality, but have you ever tried keeping 50 squirrels away from a tray of tater tots? They’re relentless.”
The move to independence has put the squirrel republic on tense diplomatic terms with the administration. Although Drew’s Public Safety team initially dismissed the manifesto as a “rodent prank,” the F.U.F.S.R. quickly proved their seriousness by ambushing students near the Tolley/Brown building and relieving them of their snack bags. As a final act of defiance, the squirrels then barricaded access to the Ehinger Center with a small but intimidating wall of pine cones.
In response, Drew administration is rumored to be considering a compromise by allocating several “Squirrel Zones” on campus where the F.U.F.S.R. members would have access to exclusive meal offerings. However, negotiations stalled after Big Nut rejected the trial menu, which reportedly included only unsalted pretzels and old bagels from Ehinger. “We are proud creatures with refined tastes,” Big Nut explained in a follow-up letter. “We won’t be fed crumbs. We want waffles, pizza bagels, and those delicious dishes they serve at the allergy section.”
Meanwhile, student opinion on the squirrel independence movement has been divided. “Honestly, I think it’s about time they got the recognition they deserve,” said junior sociology major Emily Sands. “Those squirrels have been here longer than any of us. Plus, they could probably write a more accurate campus tour guide than some of the Ambassadors.” Others aren’t as enthusiastic. “This is going to make walking to class a nightmare,” complained sophomore Peter Rogers. “Last week, one of them made direct eye contact with me while stealing my granola bar. Now they want meal swipes? What’s next—using our dorm showers?” Despite mixed reactions, the Drew community will soon see the first test of the F.U.F.S.R.’s resolve. The squirrels have announced plans for a “sit-in” on the pathway to The Commons, where they’ll form a line and refuse to move unless their demands are met. Students have been advised to pack extra snacks and wear protective headgear for any potential “acorn crossfire.”
Only time will tell if Drew University will meet the demands of its furry insurgents. In the meantime, the F.U.F.S.R. has vowed to continue their fight. “This campus belongs to all of us,” wrote Big Nut, concluding his letter with a bold paw print. “And if the administration thinks they can outwit us, let them try. Winter is coming, and we’re prepared.”
