Bingo is one of the favored pastimes of Americans all over the country, including right here in our Forest. However, there has been a recent alert that the US is facing a national bingo card crisis, and investigations into the matter have revealed that the most likely cause has been none other than Drew University and its unusually frequent bingo nights. A representative from the Federal Bingo Investigators (FBI) states in an official press release, “We have been looking into this matter and are treating it with the utmost gravity. All trails have led back to Drew University. According to our research, Drew holds approximately 23 times more bingo nights than any other school or even senior center in the country. This place manages to slap bingo on everything, and frankly, it’s affecting the economy in a concerning way.” When we reached out to Drew administration, we were told that the school has been operating the same it has always been, and clearly there must be an issue with bingo card suppliers, not with Drew’s bingo playing. However, there have been rumors circulating in the student body. “I heard,” Sophomore Julia Keene says, “that Drew has been buying Bingo cards in bulk for years and storing them in the tunnels underneath the Hogwarts building, and now they’re selling them on the black market to those rich-people retirement communities to make money.” Ryan Haussman, Senior, tells us, “I can hear them when I go into the woods to smoke. They’re chopping down trees in the Forest and turning them into bingo cards. And they’re not just using the wood.” Haussman takes this moment to take another hit and lean in. “Where do you think they put all the leaves they suck up into those machines? That’s right, they’re making bingo cards out of leaves and selling them on the black market to make money.” “What I heard,” Sarah Kelly, Junior, says, “Is that Drew has been running illegal bingo games with rigged black market bingo cards in the President’s House. You have to do the secret knock on the back door and tell them the password before they let you in, and there’s a buy-in of $1,000. It’s all to make extra money.” Whatever the truth is, it is clear that Drew is attempting to use this bingo card shortage to their advantage, whether or not it crosses into illegality. If you have any information regarding illegal bingo activity, report it to the public number for the FBI. And if you’ve been hoping for another big night, don’t worry, because our students won’t let anything stop our love of bingo! | 
