Drew University has officially announced its most awaited course offering: Advanced Ghosting Techniques 404. This course, designed for students wishing to learn the fine art of disappearing from social obligations and embarrassing circumstances, promises to take ghosting to the next level. “In today’s fast-paced digital world, knowing how to ghost properly is more important than ever,” stated Dr. Casper McFade, PhD in Avoidance, the course’s lead professor. “Why send a polite ‘Sorry, I’m busy’ text when you can disappear without a trace?” “It is all about efficiency.” The course provides a comprehensive curriculum, beginning with the fundamentals: how to leave someone on read’ without appearing like a complete jerk. Students will master the exact timing required for reading a message and never responding, a technique Dr. McFade believes is essential to any good ghoster’s repertoire. “You want them to think you might get back to them—just not today, tomorrow, or ever.”
Today’s potential ghosters face new challenges on social media. Instead of the outmoded strategy of canceling your accounts and losing all of your followers, students will learn how to strategically withdraw from social media without ever logging off. Techniques such as muting notifications, untagging embarrassing images, and sending vague “taking a break” status updates will be thoroughly covered, ensuring that students remain unseen while officially “online.” However, the hands-on instruction is likely to be the most engaging aspect of the course. “Hallway dodging” has become a necessary talent on Drew’s close-knit campus, where avoiding an ex or an overly chatty classmate may feel like traversing a minefield. Students will practice real-time evasive strategies, such as making quick phone calls as they pass someone or retreating into the next restroom when an unexpected meeting arises. Is this the final exam? A high-pressure navigation of The Commons during busy lunch hours—avoid three acquaintances and you’ll pass.
By the end of the course, the professor called the class in for one more final exam. Those who were truly proficient in the course’s teachings, did not even show up at all. Dr. Casper McFade stated: “One day no one showed up and I realized there was nothing more to teach them”
