It’s been a busy day running from class to class. One paper is due at midnight, and two tests tomorrow. Rapidly walking down the path, you think you might have 5 minutes for lunch. That’s when your phone rings with the persistence and intensity that could only indicate a Super Volcano erupting in the arboretum. The message reads “Emergency. Mug-sale. Broadcast: Attention Drew Student Body, this is not a drill. Be advised that new Drew U mugs have just dropped in the Bookstore! Secure your stylish, microwave-safe, Ranger Bear Mug now!” This official message from Drew appeared on the phone of every student this Wednesday, October 4.
So far, over 50 complaints have been filed to the school. Senior, Olive Silvers, said, “It was a gross abuse of power and a mug should never cost $65.” Simon Billo, a Sophomore, claimed that the alert cost him an important match in Rocket League. Bilio went on to say, “Drew better prepare to sell the parking lots too because I will be seeking damages for my loss of Super Sonic Legend Competitive Rank.”
Drew responded with a press conference on Thursday, October 5, hoping to apologize for the anger caused by the alert. Their prepared statement is as follows. “Good morning. I’d like to thank the members of the busy Nut press for taking the time to be here today. I’d also like to thank all members of the student body who have shown their passion for the school with their messages. Oh, also the Acorn is here. We on the Drew Board would like to apologize for the alert that we hacked your phones and computers to broadcast. Somewhere in the middle of rigging the fire alarms to go off at the exact same time as the alert, we must have forgotten what was important. We should have given more time for you to plan for the Mug sale. Springing such an amazing product on you out of the blue was irresponsible. We would like to move forward with a promise that 3 separate preorder alerts will go off before the next big sale. Thank you for giving us your honest opinions and we will not be answering any questions.” With that, the Drew Board walked off the stage exchanging high-fives.
“I’m not done fighting,” said Junior, Darla Steel, “I will work day and night until these alerts go away. I’ve gotten so many that I’m running out of data on my phone.” We at The Nut would like to wish good luck to brave students like Steel who are working to free the Drew Campus from the grip of the evil Bookstore.
Written by an anonymous Nut Writer
Published Friday, October 6, 2023
-MESSAGE FROM NUT SPONSOR
Are you a wacky college student reading The Nut while drinking a coffee? Well, you could be drinking that same coffee in the brand-new Ranger Extreme Mug!! Featuring grip smart rubber, and the new version of the Ranger Bear! Pre-Order now!!!!!
