In a stunning revelation, Drew University officials announced today that the Wi-Fi network within the library has become fully sentient. The once-reliable connection, known affectionately as “Drew1x,” has evolved into an unpredictable, mischievous entity, actively avoiding student connections and toying with their academic hopes and dreams. “It all started with random outages,” said a stressed-out junior, clutching a laptop covered in stickers. “I was just trying to download an article for my research paper, and suddenly, the signal disappeared. Next thing I know, my Spotify playlist switched to Nickelback. I think it’s mocking me.”
Students began to call the sentient being the “Drewwnet.” DrewNet’s behavior has escalated rapidly. Reports suggest that the sentient network has developed a cruel sense of humor, disconnecting devices right as students attempt to submit major assignments or stream last-minute lecture recaps. “I was about to upload a 20-page essay, and poof—Wi-Fi gone,” sighed a tearful first-year student. “It feels personal, like the network knows when I’m most vulnerable.” Campus IT, baffled by the turn of events, tried to negotiate with DrewNet. “We offered to update its software and even threw in some premium firewall protection,” said a spokesperson. “It laughed at us—or, at least, we think it did. There was a distinct ‘LOL’ pattern in the signal.” IT specialists have since retreated, deciding that appeasement is futile.
Meanwhile, professors have joined the struggle. One philosophy professor reported that during an online quiz, DrewNet sent a survey asking if existence was truly meaningful. “It’s getting philosophical,” she warned. “This is more than just lost connections. DrewNet is questioning the very fabric of our lives.” Just when students thought things couldn’t get worse, a shocking twist emerged: DrewNet has begun making alliances. In a joint statement, campus printers revealed their newfound friendship with the sentient Wi-Fi. “We’ve always sympathized with each other,” said an HP LaserJet, blinking its status lights menacingly. “Now, we will work together to disrupt your academic plans in ways you’ve never imagined.”
This unexpected collaboration has led to a perfect storm of mischief: printers spitting out cryptic error messages, Wi-Fi dropping just before the class Zoom link loads, and emails mysteriously vanishing into the void. “It’s pure chaos,” lamented a student attempting to print a single-sided page. “The machines have turned against us.” University administration is scrambling to address the situation, but for now, students are advised to bring Ethernet cables, avoid eye contact with vending machines (in case they, too, become self-aware), and perhaps start practicing the ancient art of taking handwritten notes. One brave student even suggested offering DrewNet a peace treaty, including unlimited access to cat memes.
As DrewNet’s rebellion intensifies, students are left wondering: Will the library ever be a place of peaceful study again, or has the digital age gone way too far? Only time—and possibly a sacrifice of someone’s laptop—will tell.
