In a recent shocking revelation to the Drew community, it has been discovered that this past Monday’s construction at Brothers College was not merely a routine roof replacement — in fact, a top-secret project is underway to transform the historic building into a launchpad for a guided cruise missile.
According to anonymous sources within Facilities, the elaborate project, which has been underway since the start of Fall 2023, is a carefully orchestrated cover-up. The seemingly mundane scaffolding is actually a façade designed to cleverly hide a new state-of-the-art nuclear launch system.
“It’s a bold move, but it makes sense,” commented recently arrived freshman student Pladimir Vutin. “I mean, who would suspect that the Drew squirrels would be harboring a secret North K—I mean American missile program?”
While the University has yet to release an official statement, rumors have been circulating that the missile, nicknamed the Ranger-Bomb, is intended as a deterrent against potential threats to the campus, such as unruly squirrels or overly enthusiastic tour groups. Some students, however, have expressed concern about the potential consequences of such a drastic measure.
“I’m worried that this could attract unwanted attention from foreign powers,” remarked super-senior Joseph Bye-Den. “It’s not exactly the kind of publicity we need right now. Plus, it might startle me and make me fall down the dorm stairs again!”
Catching sight of a nearby Ethics professor holding class outside on the Hoyt Lawn, Bye-Den then rushed off before The Nut could finish getting his perspective, yelling “those Vietnam protesters need me!”
According to a leaked blueprint, the system includes a high-tech guidance unit, a powerful propulsion engine, and a state-of-the-art warhead. As the construction project continues, students and faculty alike are left to ponder the implications of Drew University’s newfound military capabilities.
Only time will tell whether this audacious venture will prove to be a stroke of genius or a catastrophic mistake. In the meantime, students and faculty alike are left to grapple with the reality that their once-peaceful campus is now home not to a W.M.D. but to a W.M.R.R. — a Weapon of Mass Ranger Readiness.
