Drew University has always had a commitment to providing its students with the best dining experience, but they haven’t always known what students wanted. But now, thanks to a survey regarding dining at Drew and tireless research, they finally know what will truly satisfy the student body’s gastronomic desires and dietary restrictions: a waterslide.
The University has faced many criticisms about the food, how bland it is, how expensive it is, how few options there are, how those with special diets are unable to feed themselves, how the dining halls are closed when students need them, how to-go containers are not allowed, and other such mild complaints. In the past, they have made some vague efforts at adjusting their menus, but for some reason, students have never been satisfied.
In an effort to decipher what exactly will make students happy, Treeline Dining has created a detailed plan that will finally make Commons a desirable option for students. But relax, because you won’t have to worry about any of the food changes! Treeline representative Sally Marks says, “We are happy to report that our proposal was a success, and we now have real plans to improve the Commons. According to our research, when students are sliding down a waterslide, they are less likely to feel negatively towards the food options! Therefore, students will receive their plates at the top of the water slide, then will scoop up food on their way to the bottom.”
When asked about increasing the options for students who have kosher and halal diets, as well as those with allergies and other restrictions, Marks said, “Did we mention that we’re going to add a fog machine?”
Gabi Mendes, Junior, says, “I honestly could not give less of a crap about having an arcade in Commons, I just want to be able to eat something that doesn’t give me the runs, or eat a cooked vegetable that doesn’t have the texture of boiled toenails.”
“We want our students to be happy and healthy,” Marks says. “Which is why we are working to bring a variety of healthy foods into rotation, like whole wheat chips and diet soda. For student-athletes trying to bulk up, we are leaving out troughs of protein powder for them to feast from.”
“Commons has never been good,” Kyle Broone, Senior, says. “And it’s never going to be. We just have to accept that. When you budget for school, you have to plan to pay for both your mandatory meal plan and for buying groceries regularly so you don’t actually starve. And hey, if you swallow super fast you can barely taste it!”
We hope you’re all excited about the changes Drew is going to be bringing to dining. There are sure to be many more on the way, and at this rate, Commons might actually have food that is both edible and nutritious for the class of 2072!
