UPDATE: 8:03 pm EST in Toronto, Canada: The opening night of the Mean Girls Tour was a “triumph” the New York Times praised. Donned in a sustainable and sparkly recycled trash bag, lead actress Maya Petropoulos beamed: “I got to sing and act like a bitch all night,” she crowed. “I can’t believe I get paid to do this,” she gushed to reporters.
Fellow actress Mayrose Brendel agreed, “I mean, I just love my character,” she beamed. “She’s pretty, she’s…” she trailed off, her expression vague for a moment. “Just like Ken from Barbie, she’s Karen-enough,” she emphasized, adjusting the bodice of her dress. “Also, I think it might rain soon,” she pats her chest again. “Yeah,” she says dreamily, flashing another bedazzling smile.
Natalie Shaw, who plays the titular role of Cady, holds her Balenciaga BDSM bear-purse tighter. “I love the messaging for kids you know,” she explains. “I mean, popularity is great, but it’s not everything.” When asked about how popular the show is, she shrugs it off. “I get paid to be popular like the show,” she nods. “And to act like a teenager even though I’m 44. It’s pretty great.”
Assistant Dance Captain Ryan Vogt agrees, “It’s pretty cool to see a bunch of adults act like teenagers. I mean, we could be politicians for God’s sake. But we’re actors, so it’s almost the same thing. But we make it sparkly, so it’s legit. I love teaching kids these sorts of lessons,” he says, fondling a button on his ripped shirt.
“I mean Tina Fey is just such a role model,” the girls unisioned. “Getting paid to pretend to be a stripper onscreen is just, what’s the word?” Mayrose Brendel frowns, “Brat. That’s it!” Per paparazzi request, the trio steps by the crosswalk for a photo. As they pose, their lips pressed in the imitation of a duck, a bus rolls right into them.
Taken half a football field away, the actresses set a new world record with the longest running time of being dragged by a school bus. Luckily local photographers captured the iconic moment, with performer Maya Petropoulos being offered another eco-friendly trash bag by a passerby as a congratulatory gift.
Local witnesses crowded around the trio, fighting to shake hands with the new record-setters. Prime Minister Justin Treadu, wearing a pink feathered frock, expressed his elation: “I’m incredibly proud of this moment. I mean, here we have three stars, newly minted world record holders in Canada’s cleanest city. It’s an honor and a dream come true.”
Rummaging through trash, local witnesses rushed to grab reminders of this historic event. New York Times editor Joseph Kahn quietly whistled the song “Sexy”, as he quickly grabbed Natalie Shaw’s BDSM bear and ran off. Other witnesses took selfies, with one passerby describing the bus driver as a “national hero”, who after hitting the trio, “promoted Canadian interests”.
After a brief, pleasant call to 911, the actresses are being tended to by local emergency personnel, peeling trash off the actresses. Being the gallant gazers they are, the paparazzi lights flash. “Look! We even got our own casts!” exclaims one of the dancers as rain begins to fall. “Now we can sign each other’s, just like the Burn Book,” he hoots. Breaking into song, the cast sings their hit “Someone gets Hurt” while ambulances rush their companions away.
