EAST LANSING, MI – A front of deadly cold temperatures swept through East Lansing last week but was deemed not enough to shut down classes at Michigan State University.
“The loss in parking ticket revenue would be too great,” said MSU President Kevin Guskiwhodoesthisguythinkheis as he sipped on a hot latte from the comfort of his own home. “This university makes a lot of money from suckers who think they can get away with not paying for a couple hours of parking. No siree, not on my watch.”
We talked to one student who was walking to class amidst the frigid temperatures. “It’s absolutely ridiculous,” the student said shivering. “My brother is in high school and his and all the other nearby districts are closed, which is funny because most high school students don’t even walk to class. My brother literally gets dropped off and only has to walk from the car to the front door. Well, actually, he is paralyzed from the waist down, so technically he never walks, but you get my point.”
When asked about all the students walking to class, the president responded bluntly. “Parking tickets are a gold mine. I’m afraid those students are just sacrifices that have to be made. Don’t worry, their sacrifice is certainly not in vain. Trust me, our students are very important to me, and this university is just not as important as their money.”
Over the course of last week, at least twelve students suffered frostbite with over eight of those cases being severe.
We informed the president of this statistic, but he simply replied: “Womp womp.”
