MSU Hires Campus Squirrels as Official Ambasadors; Will ReceiveMonthly Acorn Stipend and Lodging in High End Trees

In a long-overdue move, MSU has announced plans to officially hire squirrel ambassadors to promote the university after years of exploiting these adorable creatures’ unpaid labor. The discussion comes after a recent survey revealed that over 90 percent of the student body credited the squirrels for their decision to enroll and remain at MSU.

One student said, “I was visiting my friend on campus last year and we ran into the most plump and fluffy squirrel ever. He kept following me around, and then other squirrels joined him. I was really sad to leave him behind, and this really resonated with me. So when I had to pick a school, I knew I was going to MSU.”

Similar stories have been shared by many successful campus dwellers, one even confessing that he chose to live on campus even after meeting the two-year on-campus living requirement, even though his friends asked him to move in with them. “It just didn’t feel right, you know? I actually felt really anxious at the thought of not seeing them every morning when I walk to class.”

Of course, universities don’t just implement changes because students want them.

The university’s history with its squirrel population is a long one. For years, they’ve been featured in promotional materials, unofficially marketed as “the soul of campus life,” and included in orientation tours, where guides frequently point out how “squirrels are basically our mascots.” Yet until now, they received no compensation for their role in making the university seem fun and whimsical.

According to an MSU administrator, the campus squirrels have been an unofficial marketing tool for decades. “All you have to do is name drop the squirrels at a boring mandatory event, and you’ll see all the students engaging. The only reason they didn’t do it sooner was because the squirrels were providing free marketing. But then the survey came out and a lot of students said the university needed to treat the wildlife fairly.”

“All you need is the threat of a protest these days. Then the board will agree to anything,” a wildlife advocate said. “We petitioned for the squirrels to get fair wages and got over 30,000 signatures from students!”

But how will these critters be paid?

The squirrels, who have been unofficially promoting the university for decades by photobombing campus tours, entertaining stressed students, and posing majestically in front of campus landmarks, will now receive competitive salaries in the form of acorns and luxury tree housing.The squirrels will also enjoy complimentary “nutritional breaks” and flexible tree-climbing schedules to maintain their work-life balance. “We understand our squirrels need time to unwind and bury acorns for the winter,” a MSU official stated. “After all, they’re part of the family now.”

Not everyone is happy with the new squirrel ambassador program. Several faculty members have expressed concerns over what they’re calling “favoritism toward squirrels.”

“It’s ridiculous,” a professor in the sociology department commented. “I’ve been here for 20 years, and I still can’t get a parking spot near my office. But the squirrels get prime tree real estate just for being cute?”

Others have raised ethical concerns about the program, suggesting that the university is still exploiting the squirrels. “It’s not like they didn’t live in trees or get acorns before, right?” a student pointed out.

However, the squirrels remain unfazed despite the backlash. They continue to entertain exhausted and stressed students with their everyday antics. As MSU begins to implement the Squirrel Ambassadors Program officially, students and faculty alike are looking forward to seeing how the squirrels will continue to impact campus life—now with the full backing of the university administration.

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