In a groundbreaking deal, Drew University has signed an official partnership with the Free and United Forest Squirrel Republic (F.U.F.S.R.), the newly formed squirrel government in The Forest. Under this historic arrangement, students, faculty, and staff are now required to carry “Acorn Passes” to ensure safe passage through F.U.F.S.R.-controlled zones. Those without a valid pass risk “light to moderate nut bombardment,” according to the squirrel spokesperson, Nutella Squeaks.
“It’s a simple matter of respecting sovereign territory,” said Nutella, her paws clasping a tiny acorn podium in what was undoubtedly a well-coordinated press release. “The F.U.F.S.R. has generously offered access to student pathways and seating areas. In exchange, we only ask for tributes of food—and the occasional undisturbed sunbathing spot on picnic tables.” To enforce this new policy, a crew of enforcer squirrels—known informally as the Nut Squad—now monitors popular campus paths. Students report spotting these “enforcers” perched on trees along the walkways, watching suspiciously and occasionally shaking tree branches to intimidate passersby. The F.U.F.S.R. has warned that any violators caught without an Acorn Pass may be subject to a playful, yet mildly terrifying, squirrel stampede.
“I was just trying to get to Tolley Hall, and suddenly a squirrel was on my shoulder, chittering about ‘unauthorized entry,’” said sophomore Lily March. “Next thing I knew, I was covered in nuts and escorted out of the area. I didn’t know it was that serious.” Campus officials, while hesitant, have agreed to the terms for the sake of “campus harmony.” The new Acorn Passes are available for pickup in Ehinger, but they come with an unexpected catch—students must also pledge allegiance to the F.U.F.S.R. and promise to carry one unshelled acorn as an “offering” at all times. Those caught without their “tribute acorn” may face a fine payable in dried fruit or snack bars.
However, the partnership has led to some surprising perks. In a goodwill gesture, F.U.F.S.R. has announced “Squirrelly Saturdays,” during which students are encouraged to participate in acorn hunts and exchange selfies with their furry friends for “extra credit” in what they’re calling the School of Nutty Studies. Big Nut, leader of the squirrel republic, expressed enthusiasm for the cultural exchange: “We want to foster understanding. Students can learn so much from us—like how to build a nest, or how to stay warm during New Jersey winters by just vibrating.” Some students have embraced the partnership with open arms (and full snack pouches), but others worry this is just the beginning. “What if they start charging us for tree-climbing permits?” whispered a first-year student, looking nervously at a particularly burly squirrel nearby. “I didn’t think campus life could get any more expensive.”
As Drew’s students adapt to the rules of the newly empowered squirrel republic, only one thing is certain: peace between humans and squirrels on campus now hinges on the timely renewal of every student’s Acorn Pass.
