Could Santa Claus be skipping Drew University on his route this year? Does Drew parking offer more parking passes than they have open parking spots? Unfortunately the answer to both is yes. Nut journalist’s received an exclusive interview with Santa where he announced “Guess who’s on my naughty list? Drew University for giving me a damn ticket for roof parking without a pass!” Claus went on to say that until the ticket is annulled and adequate cookies are provided by the Commons, he will not be returning to campus.
Tensions between Drew and Santa Claus first began last Christmas, 2022, when an unknown sleigh was spotted landing on top of Riker by Drew Security. “The man then left the vehicle, taking a large bag with him.,” said Drew Security officer, Patricia Anderson, “I wasn’t quite sure why, but something about it seemed off.” After quickly taking the stairs up Riker, Anderson confirmed that neither the sleigh nor the eight interworking reindeer had a parking sticker. Claus received a $250 fine for illegally occupying the roof space. “I just don’t think it’s fair to take up a space when there are numerous students paying good money for close spots like the roof.,” said Anderson.
Since the incident, multiple letters have been sent to the North Pole to settle the balance. “Every time we send him an invoice, he sends us back crates of coal.,” explained Dan Pryor, from Student Accounts, “Drew has made it very clear that we accept no form of payment other than the standard issued currency like the USD.”
Coal sent by Claus has reached a total of $750 according to Student Accounts, however, Pryor claims that it is more about the principle of respecting the parking administration. “We will not be intimidated.,” said Pryor, “No student, guest or Saint Nick, will be given any special treatment.”
Division over the issue continues to grow as Christmas Day approaches. “If Drew keeps this up, none of us staying on campus will get any presents!,” said Junior, Elizabeth Holmes, “If I don’t get my Matt Healy body pillow, you better believe I will be immediately transferring to Fairleigh Dickinson.”
Ryan Godot, a Senior at Drew, feels that Santa should pay for his ticket just like anyone else who steals spots in the lot. “I am sick and tired of people getting away with this,” said Godot, “Every night when I get home from work, I am forced to circle the lot in hopes of finding a space anywhere near my dorm. So if this jolly asshole thinks that he is going to make my commute home even harder by not paying for a sticker, I say we push his sleigh right off the roof!”
