In a shocking turn of events, Drew University students have been disappearing from Tolley Hall at an alarming rate. A band of militant squirrels has been behind the abductions, fed up with the students’ disregard for their woodland haven.
“We’ve had enough!” squeaked the self-proclaimed leaders of Squirrels for a Smokeless Sanctuary. “They puff their noxious fumes into our sacred oak trees, leaving a massive trail of litter every single night!”
The SSS has claimed complete responsibility for the abductions, issuing a series of cryptic messages through strategically placed acorns spelling out demands for a stronger campus-wide smoking prohibition and the establishment of designated “nut-cracking zones.”
The SSS’s demands are simple: a crackdown on smoking on campus grounds, and the subsidization of planned “nut payments” as reparations for squirrels with nicotine-related infections.
Drew University officials are scrambling to find a solution. “We respect the squirrels’ right to a smoke-free environment,” stammered a spokesperson, “but the abduction of students is simply unacceptable. We’re offering the squirrels a lifetime supply of sunflower seeds in exchange for the students’ safe return (minus any ill-gotten cigars).”
Meanwhile, the Triple-S remains unfazed. “Sunflower seeds? Please,” scoffed a lead general, eagerly toying with the stem of the sharpened leaf sword in his rodent-sized sheath. “We demand justice! And maybe a squirrel-sized vape shop. We’re not unreasonable.”
The student body remains divided. Some, like the abducted students, are terrified, vowing to quit smoking and appease their furry overlords. Others, like some outspoken vapers, are outraged. “We won’t be bullied by squirrels! We’ll fight for our right to smoke freely, even if it means facing an army of nut-wielding rodents!” they declared, brandishing BIC lighters and packs of cigarettes.
As the situation unfolds, one thing is certain: Drew University’s once peaceful campus has become a battleground between students, squirrels, and the ever-elusive quest for a smoke-free environment. Will the squirrels succeed in their reign of terror? Will students be forced to kick the habit? Only time, and perhaps a well-aimed acorn, will tell.
