In a shocking turn of events at Drew University, a desperate student on the waitlist for a popular class has resorted to extreme measures to secure a spot. The student, who we’ll call “Bargain Billy,” allegedly attempted to make an offer the professor couldn’t refuse. It all started innocently enough, with Bargain Billy approaching the professor after class, armed with a wad of cash hidden in their pocket. With a sly grin and a twinkle in their eye, they proposed a deal that would make any mafia boss proud. “So, Professor, how about we make a little arrangement?” Bargain Billy whispered, trying to keep their voice low enough to avoid drawing attention. “I’ve got this exquisite box of chocolates just for you, and, uh, a little something extra.” The professor, stunned by the audacity of the offer, raised an eyebrow and replied, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Bargain Billy shrugged and said, “Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, right? I mean, what better way to learn in Ethics class than to ignore your own?” Word of this scandalous attempt has quickly spread across campus. Many professors have even begun to cancel classes because they can’t even open Moodle due to the sheer inundation of these superimposed pictures in every single class chat. As news of this incident reached the university administration, the student has now begun to hide in their Tolley Hall room (because of course it was a freshman), and even their distraught roommate could not coax them out to comment on the situation to our prestigious news organization. So, dear readers, let this be a cautionary tale. If you find yourself on a waitlist, resist the temptation to channel your inner mobster. Instead, embrace the spirit of patience, perseverance, and a healthy dose of desperate emails to advisors and anyone else who will hear your forlorn pleas as you navigate this mess of frantic class changes and 8am stampedes. | 
