In a shocking display of defiance against the university’s tightened security protocols, a group of Drew University students recently gathered in the heart of campus to perform a satanic ritual. The students, who were reportedly frustrated by the new campus card rules that restrict dorm access to only those who live there, chose Tolley-Brown Circle as the site of their unconventional protest.
The ritual began with a group of students forming a circle and chanting ancient incantations. A large pentagram was drawn in the entrance to the circle using chalk, and a collection of Drewcard scanners were placed on top of it. As the chanting intensified, other Brown and McLendon residents looked on in amazement, the students ignited the scanners, sending plumes of smoke into the air.
“We’re fed up with being treated like prisoners in our own school,” said one protesting student; these new restrictions are a blatant attack on our freedom. We’re taking a stand, and we won’t back down.”
The students’ actions were met with a mix of shock and concern from the campus community. Some students expressed support for the protest, arguing that the new security measures were unnecessary and intrusive. Others, however, raised concerns about the potential consequences of the ritual, particularly for the lungs of the squirrels that call T.B. Circle their home. “How will our four-legged friends be spared from the inevitable wrath of the Tolley Demons?” asked concerned student Robin D. Acorns. Acorns’ question was met with loud boos and jeers from the evil spirits of Hoyt, who had journeyed far and wide from their closet dens to watch this occasion unfold.
In the aftermath of the protest, university officials released a statement expressing their disappointment with the students’ actions. “We believe that these measures are necessary to protect our campus community from the imminent threats posed by the notorious Ranger Bear clone gang, the R.B. Rumblers,” said ResLife spokesperson Tina Locks. “Also, on Friday the 13*? Really? Seems a bit over-the-top to me.”
The satanic ritual at Tolley-Brown Circle has sparked a debate on campus about the balance between security and squirrel rights. While some students argue that the new security measures are necessary to protect the campus community from the horrors of knockoff bears, others contend that they are excessive and infringe on students’ freedoms. It remains to be seen how the university will respond to the incident and whether the students involved will face any consequences.
