On one recent morning, students awoke to a strange chill in the air. It was not just the winter air settling in; there was an ominous wind blowing. Those who felt it tried valiantly to ignore it, but when they reached Commons, they realized that calamity had struck.
The fries had been changed.
College students are under a lot of stress all the time. With the pressures of class, work, and a lifetime of student loan debt hanging over their heads, students need to find comfort where they can. If one of those comforts goes away unexpectedly, it can destabilize even the most in-control. Unfortunately, Drew University did not consider this when they made the life-changing decision to change the style of fries they served.
The student body has been rocked by this unexpected decision. In the short time since the fries were changed, grades in every class average have slipped, the water pressure in all the showers has gotten worse than it already is, and numerous students have reported hearing sinister whispers in their dreams.
Students have shared that “the fries were the only consistent thing in my life,” “the crows have been following me,” and even “I’ve had to increase my therapy appointments to two per week.”
Administration has denied any connection between the fries and the increase in deer standing on their hind legs and promising students they can be free in the woods, but since nothing else has been changed, we remain suspicious.
If you or a loved one have been impacted by this change, sign the petition to reverse this cruel and unusual decision. Hopefully, if we get enough signatures in time, we can stop the campus from being consumed by the Hellmouth opening up in Tipple Pond.
