This week at Drew, November 26th 2023, Senior Paul Hempson was welcomed into the Guinness World Record Hall of Fame for holding his breath for an entire 45 minute lecture. “To be honest I wasn’t even trying to set the record,” said Hempson, “I just didn’t want anyone to know I was holding in a massive bong rip.” The tough Drew Stoner passed the previous record by a full 20 minutes and is expected to get his own page in the Guinness World Record Book of 2024.
Hempson, who had forgotten his night class, just finished hotboxing his car when he ran into his professor, Thomas H. Cooper, in the parking lot. “I wasn’t about to blow a huge cloud of smoke in my professor’s face so I thought I’d hold it till he walked away.,” said Hempson, “But then he invited me to walk to class with him!”
Professor Thomas H. Cooper, a member of the Drew Biology Department, later admitted that he knew what was going on from the start. “When Paul and his friends stepped out of their car, a cloud of smoke covered the parking lot in a thick fog.,” said Professor Cooper, “I was going to tell him I knew but I honestly wanted to see how long he could go.” Cooper went on to say that he never imagined Hempson would be able to continue holding his breath the entire lecture.
“It was an amazing thing to see happen.,” said Lisa Tiva, a classmate of Hempson, “After a while, everybody stopped paying attention to the lecture just to watch Paul.” Despite having the Final Exam in their next class, a unanimous decision was made to dedicate the rest of the class to observing Hempson. “He was defying everything we understand about Human Biology. How could we not?!,” said Junior, Tatum Pots.
Along with recording details about Hempson’s ongoing condition, the class began to take bets on how long he would be able to hold his breath. “I put $50 on him to pass out at the 35 minute mark.,” said Professor Cooper angrily handing over his money to a smiling student.
In the end, Hempson made it 46 minutes and 24 seconds before exhaling outside the Hall of Sciences and immediately collapsing onto the ground. “When I woke up everyone was applauding me., said Hempson, “The last thing I remember was walking into the classroom. Next thing I know I’m shaking hands with a Guinness Records Representative as I’m being put into an ambulance on a stretcher.”
Hempsons official Guinness World Record Ceremony will be held in the E.C this Friday, December 1st. According to Guinness, Hempson may also receive a second Record title for “Most brain cells killed in a single hour.”
