In a developing tragedy that has shaken the very foundation of Drew University’s food delivery ecosystem, local Doordash drivers are reportedly abandoning deliveries at an unprecedented rate—citing Drew’s labyrinth-like road design as the cause of their frustrations. “I’ve driven all over Morris County,” said Ahmed, a seasoned Doordash driver, “but this place? It’s like they hired an artist specializing in abstract mazes to design these roads. One minute, I’m on a road that looks like it’s leading to Tolley Hall, and the next, I’m in The Forest, getting stalked by an overly aggressive squirrel.”
Complaints from drivers have skyrocketed ever since the food delivery boom brought the Panera for lunch, Chinese for dinner lifestyle to campus. The root of the problem, according to drivers, is that Drew’s road design seems to defy all known rules of navigation. “There are intersections that just… end,” one driver reported, eyes wide with confusion. “You think you’re about to turn onto a main road, but then it just loops back on itself, and suddenly you’re at a dead end in front of a ‘DO NOT ENTER SIGN’ with a burrito you’re supposed to be delivering to the EC.”
Rumors have also begun swirling that Drew’s very own version of the Bermuda Triangle exists somewhere between the Simon Forum and Welch Hall. Several drivers claim they’ve been stuck circling the area for hours, unable to escape. One driver, who only goes by “Danny,” swore that his phone’s GPS went haywire as soon as he entered campus, spinning wildly and insisting he’d been transported to “Madison’s Outer Rim.”
“I got an order for Mclendon,” Danny said, visibly shaken. “Sounds easy, right? WRONG. I followed the GPS, but it kept telling me to ‘turn left’ into what looked like a sidewalk. There’s no parking signs, no logic… I started thinking the university was messing with me, like some kind of social experiment.”
As a result, frustrated drivers have resorted to extreme measures. Some have begun dropping off orders at random campus landmarks, sending cryptic messages to students like “Your pizza is by that horse statue. Good luck.” Other drivers have simply canceled their orders mid-route, leaving hungry students to fend for themselves. One student, senior Rachel Myers, described the chaos of trying to track down her Chipotle burrito. “The driver just texted me, ‘I left it near a tree. Which tree? IDK, good luck!’ And that was it. Do you know how many trees there are in The Forest?!”
Even worse, campus security has reported increased incidents of Doordash drivers attempting to infiltrate student dorms, pretending to be lost first-year students in desperate attempts to deliver their last remaining orders. “We found one guy wandering near McClintock Hall,” said a Public Safety officer. “He was clutching a bag of sushi and muttering, ‘I just want to go home. But the GPS won’t let me.'” Students, now well aware of the perils of Drew’s road design, have started organizing an underground movement to help lost drivers. “We leave out breadcrumbs, glow sticks, and sometimes even notes with directions like, ‘Turn right at the weird pine tree; if you hit the back parking lot, you’ve gone too far,'” said junior Samantha Reynolds. “We can’t afford to lose any more Chipotle bowls.”
Despite these heroic efforts, the situation remains dire. As of now, most drivers refuse to venture beyond the front gates. Many have requested hazard pay or a Drew campus navigation guide that isn’t just “walk through The Forest.” Until then, students might have to start getting used to cold, half-delivered meals—and a lot more ghost stories about mysteriously abandoned Doordash bags turning up in random parts of campus. Campus officials have yet to comment on the matter, but rumor has it that their proposed solution is to create more signs that just say “Good Luck.”
