The almighty Zeus has taken a grave matter into his hands and is now pouring down a torrent of meteorological chaos upon Drew University. The cause for such celestial wrath? A simple, innocuous act of human negligence – the incessant blare of campus leaf blowers.
“These foolish mortals and their noisy machines have finally driven my patience to its limits,” Zeus boomed, his voice reverberating through the hallowed halls of Tolley-Brown Circle. “I shall teach them a lesson they will never forget!”
Campus has now suddenly become a battlefield of meteorology, with temperatures swinging around wildly. For the past few weeks, students have been sweating one minute and shivering from an unexpected blizzard the next. Hurricane-force winds strike daily, and droughts erode the very foundations of the campus buildings.
“It’s a bit much, even for a god,” Zeus said sheepishly. “But I’m a busy man, and I can only take so much noise pollution. Perhaps if they invested in some quieter leaf-removal technology, I could return to managing global weather patterns on a grander scale.”
Drew officials remain cautiously fearful of Zeus’ divine intervention. “We realize the gods have much on their plates, but we’d be obliged if they’d channel their divine energies toward more worthwhile causes, such as world peace or a cure for cancer, rather than our campus climate,” says a spokesperson.
With the unpredictable weather continuing, it is suggested that Drew students learn to wear their clothes in layers, always carry an umbrella with them wherever they go, and invest in a decent set of earplugs. And if you happen to come across an angry-looking cloud formation, perhaps it’s best to stay indoors; you never know when some disgruntled god will decide to throw a climate tantrum.
In one last-ditch effort to placate the divine wrath, a brave cadre of Drew students have formed a “Pro-Peace, Anti-Leaf Blower” committee. Equipped with noise-canceling headphones and sincere apologies at the ready, they will be embarking on a trek up the slopes of Mount Olympus, whence they trust that Zeus himself will hear their plea for clemency.
Meanwhile, Zeus has resorted to social media, sending confusing messages and sharing live streams of himself manipulating the weather. Yet, one thing is clear; as the situation continues to spiral: Zeus is not a god one trifles with. As long as these pesky leaf blowers continue to blow on, Drew University is likely to remain the hotbed of divine discontent.
