Boulder, CO— The CU Boulder campus is split into factions over a contentious issue. The debate started in mid-January and quickly spiraled out of control. The campus water heaters have been experiencing issues since there have been student dorms, but lately, things have taken a turn. Students haven’t been able to take even 10-minute showers without the water turning cold, leading to many abstaining from showering in the first place.
“I mean, if I can’t take a hot shower after a long day, what’s even the point of showering? Turning on the water and feeling it be cold just ruins my day, so it’s better to protect myself from the disappointment.” Says Sasha Turnbike, an emerging leader of the CWNS (Cold Water No Shower) faction, who has been increasingly dressing in dark green colors.
More and more of the student body seems to agree with Sasha, with some far-reaching effects. Students have stopped attending class to avoid the smell, and we’ve even gotten reports of professors cancelling class due to the smell or moving back to remote learning.
The CWHB (Cold Water Health Benefits) faction (seen often wearing light blue) disagrees heavily with the stance. We talked to Ben Wysocki, a freshman who recently joined the faction. “Not only is not showering like, gross as hell, but there are also actual benefits to cold showers. They should just suck it up.”
Ben isn’t wrong; cold showers have been proven to boost your immune system, improve circulation, and help with emotional resilience. Despite these benefits, however, the No Showerers still insist that cold showers aren’t what they signed up for. At a recent CWNS rally held at the UMC, green-clad students held up signs saying “I pay too much for this shit” and “Hot water or nose death,” giving the impression that these students will continue to not shower until their needs for hot water are met.
This issue eventually reached the Chancellor of CU, Justin Schwartz. When asked for a comment, he said, “I knew something was wrong even before I was informed. I smelled these students before I saw them. The university permits freedom of speech and expression, and I commend these students for standing up for something they believe in.”
It was here that he paused, taking a deep breath, while his eyes watered from the stench. “Morally, however, I can’t condone this showering strike. We’re working on fixing the water heaters, but for the love of everyone’s noses, please shower.”
