A Barnard student experienced what experts are calling “a catastrophic gastrointestinal event” late Tuesday night in a shared campus bathroom, marking yet another reminder that college dining halls remain a lawless environment. The incident, which occurred during overnight hours and involved multiple bodily systems failing simultaneously, has left the student emotionally scarred, physically depleted, and questioning every meal she has consumed in the past 48 hours.
What follows is her firsthand account:
Dear Mother,
The worst possible thing that could ever happen in college happened.
I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach and rushed to the bathroom, initially thinking I was going to throw up. I almost didn’t make it in time, but not for the reason I expected. I sat down and had an extremely unpleasant poop and felt immense relief that it was that and not the other.
This relief was short-lived.
While I was pooping, I felt it come up my throat. There was no trash can within reach, so I covered my mouth with my hand. When I lowered it, my palm was full of puke. There was, unfortunately, more where that came from. I had to shimmy my legs over and hurl again, this time onto the floor, all while still actively capping my brains out.
After what felt like a solid five minutes of simultaneous bodily betrayal, the madness was over.
I then realized I had to clean this up before morning. People have to be in here. So after getting myself half decent, washing my hands and face, rinsing out my mouth, I went back to my dorm to retrieve Clorox wipes. I returned and began the long, tedious process of transporting puke into the toilet via toilet paper.
Mind you, the splash radius extended into the stall next to me.
I wiped and wiped and wiped until it was as clean as humanly possible. I disposed of all evidence, returned to brush my teeth, and discovered the bathroom still smelled unmistakably of puke. I don’t know what else to do. There are vents, but they are not running. My only hope is time.
The culprit of the upset stomach remains unidentified, but due to its sudden and violent nature, one can deduce it was likely food poisoning.
Overall, this night earns a solid -500/10.
Love,
Your daughter
At press time, the bathroom had returned to normal operation, though the emotional damage may be permanent. Facilities staff were not alerted, as the student opted to “handle it herself,” citing shame, fear, and the belief that no custodial worker should have to witness what occurred.
The identity of the food responsible remains unknown, and no official warning has been issued to the student body. Still, this incident serves as a sobering reminder that in college, danger does not always come in the form of midterms or group projects—but sometimes, from whatever you thought was safe to eat that day.
Students are advised to proceed with caution.
